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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Trying to Find Hope

As of the last post I had just gotten the second methotrexate shots due to my HCG levels not declining. The Wednesday after the second set of shots my HCG did fall to 2,384 and I was bleeding. That was good news until my bloodwork for that Saturday (12/8) came back and showed that my HCG had gone up again.

I got a phone call on Sunday from the nurse with the news and with the instructions to prepare for surgery and to come back in to the office for another ultrasound before the surgery. It was a complete shock and I couldn't believe what was happening. I spent over 4 hours at school getting things prepared for a sub for the week trying not to panic.

So on Monday we went back in and had the ultraound. It showed the ectopic in the tube measuring even bigger than the week before, but now Dr. J saw bleeding spots in my pelvic cavity. So we went over the procedure itself, she emphasized wanting to do as little possible to my tube, but wouldn't know until she got in there.

We went over right away. I had to get ready by myself and that was terrifying. After 3 painful tries, they finally got an IV in and Stu was able to come back before I went in. They gave me a shot of something and I remember it working quickly. One minute I was switching tables, the next minute I was waking up asking about my tube. Someone told me Dr. J couldn't save my tube.

I went in and out a bit but had a lot of pain in my chest and ribs. It really hurt to breathe. That was from the gas they put in me to visualize everything. After awhile I was released to go home.

The first few days were miserable... The breathing thing was the worst part. I took the pain medication that did help a bit the first couple of days. Not until four days after the surgery was I finally able to take a deep breath without hurting so much. After that I only needed Tylenol every once and awhile.

I did return to work after a week for four days before Christmas break. The kids needed me back for sure. It was hard the first couple of days back, more emotionally rather than physically, but by Wednesday, I was doing better.

Throughout all that time, I really didn't have time to process what happened. Now that I have time, the pain of this loss and the loss of my tube makes me feel like I want to panic or just cry. I have always had hope, but then again, I had 2 working ovaries and tubes. Now I just don't know. I know there are worse situations out there, but after 4 losses and over 2 years of trying, how does one continue to find hope on a situation that is less than kind of ideal?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Methotrexate Take 2

I got stuck in the butt again today. I went in for blood tests Wednesday and Saturday and rather than declining, my hcg levels doubled for Wednesday (2,692) and up another 200 to 2,890 yesterday. The Wednesday number was okay, I was advised that it is normal for the level to go up initially, but by day 7 should go down by 15% putting me around the 2,330 range.

 So I got to meet Dr. M today, he's a nice guy, to the point and quite gentle. He found the gestational sac on ultrasound confirming an unruptured ectopic pregnancy. He did check other areas as well to be certain. So, he recommended two options-another dose of methotrexate or surgery. As the sac was still very small and there wasn't really anything to see in it, he was confident that another shot would do the job. This set hurt. A lot. Maybe it was the difference in nurses or maybe the site was still sore from last week, but it really hurt this time. Stu said she stuck the needle in all the way and plunged fast. Ouch! I also bled this time at the injection sites. I seriously don't ever want to do this again. So now we still wait.

It is weird that I am still pregnant and feeling pregnant even though my pregnancy was doomed almost 2 weeks ago. Today would have been 7 weeks. So as we speak, I am now having brown spotting which I can only assume is good. On my ultrasound photo, on the left side, you can see a white outlined gestational sac with a dark area around it (fluid)...it is the round one on top of a kind of oblong shape. To the right of the sac is my fallopian tube which looks like a straw going at an angle upwards. I will try to upload the photo in a smaller form but here is the link to my photo:Ultrasound photo

On another note, my suspicions of having a positive test for the MTHFR (or the motherf&@#3r gene as I call it) was confirmed. I am positive for a double copy (homozygous) of the C677t mutation. This is the bad one to have as far as I understand. It has everything to do with properly converting and producing folic acid in the body.

 People with this type of mutation do not produce enough folic acid which leads to increased occurrence of neural tube defects. It also leads to increased homocysteine levels which lead to clotting factors. Both of these issue are troublesome for pregnancy and even though it is still controversial to say this, there is an increased likelihood of recurrent miscarriage. 

 So I've got the thyroid/MTHFR/ectopic/autoimmune thing to worry about for my next pregnancy. No problem...

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Ectopic Pregnancy

Just got back from our latest ultrasound. As of Friday my hcg had risen to 1024 and whereas it should have been a good sign, in my case with nothing being found at all in my uterus, it wasn't good news.

Ultraound today revealed the same small mass Dr. J had seen on Friday and that had not changed. But, on closer inspection, she did see a mass in my right tube measuring 6w1d. Today I am supposed to be 6 weeks. So, the mass combined with nothing again in my uterus, Dr. J was certain that I am having an ectopic pregnancy.

She looked and looked to make sure. Checked my cervix and all surrounding areas that an embryo could have implanted. So I have no doubt about the ectopic diagnosis.

So, I had to get the Methotrexate shots, one in each hip, intramuscularly. Stung a bit, but wasn't too bad. It is a chemotherapy drug that strips your body of folic acid and stops the growth of cellular tissue quickly. If I didn't get the shots then I would have run the risk of having my tube rupture and have internal bleeding. I don't want to lose a tube and I seriously don't want to hemorrhage.

So now, we have to have my blood levels checked on Wednesday and Saturday. If the levels are going down well, then I will just have blood tests weekly to monitor my levels to 0. If they are not going down well by Saturday, then I will have to get another dose of the Methotrexate.

After my numbers are at 0, I will have to wait another "normal" cycle before we can try again. So that puts us in around late January-February to try again. In the mean time, I am not to have any folic acid supplements or foods, as well as no ibuprofen or aspirin, alcohol or a lot of sun exposure.

So, as it is, am I the most unlucky person in the world?! Only 1% of the population will ever have more than 3 miscarriages, and about 1 on 50 pregnancies are ectopic. I don't anyone who has has an ectopic. I am a statistical nightmare.

But on the flip side, 85% of women who have 3 or more losses will go on to have a normal pregnancy and my risk for another ectopic is higher than the rest of the normal population,  but not by too much. There's always a rainbow after a storm...I just have to find it.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

More Waiting

On Wednesday  my hcg was 669, and yesterday it jumped up to 1024. Crap. It didn't quite double, but now I'm seriously looking at the possibility of an ectopic. On ultrasound, most pregnancies can't be picked up until your levels reach at least 1000 which means in my case dr. J wouldn't have been able to see anything anyways.

I have to go in tomorrow (Sunday) for another scan. This time she may be able to see something. If it isn't in my uterus, the I have to go ahead with the methotrexate shot because it means there is something somewhere causing my hcg to continue to rise. So this is why I haven't started my heavy bleeding yet.

I'm so scared right now. I was really hoping that this would have ended quickly and not be drawn out like this with all the uncertainty. What I'm most afraid of is the shot. We won't be able to try for sometime afterwards because it strips your body of folic acid which could lead to neural tube defects in a subsequent pregnancy. And also, it's a pretty strong drug.

What if I see a baby in the right spot tomorrow? Could I really be that lucky? I'm guessing not since my numbers should have been rising faster than this. I will continue to hope that this all turns out well.

Fourth Miscarriage Confirmed

Ugh, where to even start. Well, as of my last post, it is possible to get pregnant on the first try of Letrozole with trigger. I was that girl.

I got my first faint positive at about 14 dpo and of course yelled for Stu to see if he could see the line and of course he could! That same day I started spotting. I figured it was the proverbial "implantation spotting" which I had in my first pregnancy.

The next day I got an even darker pregnancy test line, but was still spotting. Monday came and I called to get my first blood draw and the bleeding picked up. At that point I was hanging on to hope by a thin thread. Tuesday's blood draw was 37, lower than what they wanted, but it was what happened in the next draw that mattered.

On Thursday my number almost quadrupled to 135!! Amazing! Still spotting, but it had receded a bit. I then had to go in for one more blood draw on Saturday and then I would be able to schedule my very first ultrasound. My number again surprised me and almost tripled to 398.

This past Monday I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday 11/21. Though the whole time my spotting/bleeding continued and I was really trying to hold on to hope that I could make it to my ultrasound. The ultrasound came on Wednesday and I was so nervous. After a wait, Dr. J came in. Immediately we did not see anything in the uterus, and Dr. J then started to look to see if there I was having an ectopic pregnancy. She did not see anything in any tube or by the ovaries. After the shock I was ushered to get more bloodwork. If the numbers were up, I would have to go back for another ultrasound and blood check.

My numbers had gone up to 669. So, at some point after Saturday I was still kicking out hcg. So another ultrasound and hcg test were scheduled for Friday.

I had a really good cry on Wednesday and promised that I would take things in stride. After my first ultrasound, I asked what our options would be for trying again and another pregnancy. Dr. J said if we did not have an ectopic and have to take the methotrexate shot, we could begin trying right away. Don't even have to wait. As for keeping the next pregnancy, she said that even though she is on the fence, she would allow me to try prednisone and/or Lovenox injections.

She warned me of the risks of both. Prednisone is a corticosteroid, which supresses the adrenal glands. It will help prevent my body from attacking the embryo/fetus if in fact I'm having an autoimmune response and my body is seeing my pregnancies as foreign invaders. With prednisone, I would have to start and stop it every cycle- and I can't just stop it, I'd have to be weaned off it each month I don't get pregnant. The risks/side effects are hunger, weight gain, low blood sugar, and obvious involvement with the adrenal glands.

Lovenox is a blood thinner that is injected. The theory for pregnacy use for those who have had multiple early miscarriages or even a second-third term loss of blood clotting is that early I pregnancy  my body might be forming tiny clots where my placenta is trying to go thus restricting blood flow to the embryo/fetus. The Lovenox will stop that. The risks are a bit more severe in that if I were to get in an accident or get hurt, my bleeding might not be stopped.

I accept all risks I trying to keep my next pregnancy. Whereas I can't stop a chromosomally defective pregnancy, since we don't know if my pregnancies have been normal or not since I can't get far enough to test them, it is the best next move for us in trying to keep a normal pregnancy.

I had my ultrasound on Friday and there was still nothing in the uterus. Dr. J looked very carefully at my tubes and ovaries and did not see anything that resembled a gestational sac. She looked even closer at my right ovary and was certain what she saw was just a corpus leuteum cyst from where I ovulated. But she wanted to be sure. I had my repeat blood draw (for anyone counting, that's five blood draws in two weeks, got pricked 3 times on the left arm and twice on the right....ouch).

I am waiting for my blood test results today, Saturday. One victory I achieved was that I finally requested to be tested for the MTHFR gene and will get my results next week. I might finally know if I have a different underlying cause of my early miscarriages.

So still, I wait.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Getting Nervous

I hate/love this time in the cycle. Where you are definitely able to get a positive, but also definitely able to not get a positive. My trigger shot test this morning came out lighter than yesterday's but still pretty much there. I really hope that that in the next couple of days I will be one of those girls whose tests never go negative but get darker as time goes on.

The chances of me actually being pregnant on my first round of Letrozole and trigger? Probably about the same as any month, so I am really trying hard not to get my hopes up too much. I'm definitely hopeful, but trying to keep things in perspective. I mean, come on, who actually gets pregnant the first try on medication?!

But, good or bad, I am very glad that I decided to go the medicine route again. The knowledge that I am actually saving eggs rather than wasting eggs is reassuring to me. Plus, the medication has had such little effect on me, that I can only be thankful for a bigger chance at getting pregnant when having more follicles.

So, here I wait... testing again tomorrow... Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Testing out the trigger

So I have to say, the Femara has been wonderful to me!! So far the only side effects I felt were when I took the first couple of days of pills and had headaches and I was tired. I fully expected to have the hot flashes come after finishing the pills, but I haven't! What a wonderful drug!

So I'm still in the waiting game for this month... I am currently 7 dpo (days past ovulation) and am starting to get anxious about what my results are going to be this month. I have so much hope and I swing back and forth between thinking that we are going to be lucky this month and it's just another month, why would it be any different than the last 7 cycles... I hate this waiting game. I just want to know now so that if we have to move on to next cycle we can. Living life two weeks at a time for over two years is really starting to take it's toll.

Anyways, I have been testing out my trigger every other day and of course, the tests are getting lighter by about half. My plan is to test every other day until 11days past the trigger (which puts me at 10dpo) and then just start testing everyday. I imagine by 11dpt, it should be about out of my system, and even if it isn't I'll see if my tests get darker rather than lighter. Here's to hoping the lines just don't go away!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Mid-cycle Ultrasound and SHG

Had a great appointment with the Dr. J (RE) yesterday! I was in for an SHG and a mid-cycle follice check to see how I am responding to the Femara. Both went super well! SHG showed no fibroids, septum (a kind of dividing line in the uterus, can restrict fetal growth) and no polyps! Anatomically, I am perfect!

Dr. J gave me the results of my FSH and estrogen levels from early this cycle... They both came back great as well! FSH was a good 8.5 (anything under 10 is good). Even though I had my 11.7 earlier this year, Dr. J still wants to treat me as if I am still "trending up" with FSH especially with my lower AMH level. But still, it's good news for this cycle!

As for the ultrasound, I has two follicles on the right side, both measuring 19mm which is great and I was given my HCG trigger shot there in the office. Did NOT hurt at all! So, of course, I went home and peed on a stick just to see that positive... I plan to test out my trigger to make sure when I do test for sure, it will be a true positive or negative.

Overall, I'm really happy that we took the leap again to go see Dr. J...I can't really get the hope that we could have twins if all works out 100% this cycle! It's hard not to get really excited this cycle... But even if one takes, I'll be over the moon!!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Still Here, Still Trying

Well, I was really hoping that I would be able to come and post sooner about a positive pregnancy test again, but that is not to be. We are currently on our 7th cycle post chemical pregnancy and have started a new course of action. I finally met with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in September to discuss what steps we would need to take if and when I got pregnant again. I am so happy I got the nerve to go back because I had a lot of questions answered and some clarification of concerns I had. So, in that appointment, we decided that I would do some more genetic testing for Fragile X syndrome and Stu would have his karyotyping done (DNA test to make sure it is normal. Both tests came back just fine, so it does not appear that we are carriers of any genetic diseases. Also, the RE took a look at my thyroid levels and decided to prescribe Synthroid to manage Hashimoto's disease. I am currently negative for the antibodies, but my regular endocrinologist says its a matter of time. My RE agreed but also said that my thyroid problems could be a cause for my "recurrent miscarriages". So, after all that, the RE said that she wanted me to be as aggressive as I was comfortable with to get pregnant. Because I have low ovarian reserve, it will onl get worse. She said that one of the most common causes of this in younger women is due to auto-immune disorders. So we agreed to try Femara/Letrozole with an HCG trigger shot. The Femara should help develop my eggs better and will hopefully give me a couple of eggs to release at ovulation time. I have started my Femara and will go in again next Friday for a mid-cycle ultrasound to see how the follicles are developing and also for a SHG (sonohystogram- fluid ultrasound to check for uterine abnormalities). We are not doing IUI this month and will probably hold off until January for that. So, once again, I am hopeful, but still nervous about taking drugs for fertility. So wish us luck!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Coming to Term

Well, its been a couple of weeks now since my chemical pregnancy and like the title of my post said, I think I have come to term with what has happened. After a couple of days of intense disappointment and a lot of "what's wrong with me?", I think I am in a better place. My body seems to be working well enough though, after a normal-like period, I am back to ovulating already... I got my bright opk on Thursday (cycle day 10) and another very dark one yesterday at cd 11. It does seem that I ovulated yesterday! It is a bit earlier than normal, usually I go around cd 12-14, but I'll take it! We were caught a little off guard though, but at least I had one day's warning... it only takes one time! I do not expect to get pregnant this cycle... unfortunately, we are the beginning point yet again. It could take another year for us to get pregnant again, and I guess I am prepared for that possibility. It sucks, but what else can I do but try? Our first pregnancy came after 7 months of trying (8cycles) and this one took 13 cycles after my miscarriage, not counting the birth control cycle for cysts. But, if I took out all the cycles that I was on Clomid/Birth control, it actually only took us 4 cycles to get pregnant. I can only assume since we have gotten pregnant twice not on meds, it is the best for me to continue without any medical intervention (as in any ovulation stimulation meds). I feel good that I made the choice to not go through with the Letrozole (it's does the same thing as Clomid) and IUI. Lo and behold we got pregnant on our own. So that is what we're going to do. Keep at it naturally. And hey, it could only take one cycle to get pregnant again! I can only hope. I started reading a book called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage" by Jon Cohen. I'm finding this book to be more of a source of hope in knowing that I do have a chance to have a very normal pregnancy, despite my history of miscarriage. In the book, Cohen recounts his wife's four miscarriages between having their daughter and later having their son, without any medical intervention. One of those "it just happened" kind of things. I was actually startled to find out that he said "50% of conceptions fail, which means that at least half of all pregnancies fail, 25% of women who attmept to become pregnant likely will have two miscarriages, and 12.5% will have three". This is only found out because of early testing. Most pregnancies that fail will fail before anyone even knows they are pregnant. It is interesting that who knows how many miscarriages could have been documented if all women tested early for pregnancy. How many more "chemical pregnancies" would there be? There is something that gave me hope..."when recurrent spontaneous aborters-women like Shannon [author's wife], veterans of three or more miscarriages in a row-become pregnant again, they will, with no treatment, carry to term nearly 70 percent of the time." So, even though I might have a 3% chance of becoming pregnant in any given cycle, my next one has a 70% chance of sticking. I like those odd.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is looming ahead and I don't know how I feel about it. Last year, I had been planning to tell my family about the pregnancy on Mother's Day (at least my in-laws), but of course didn't get the chance to do it. I couldn't help but remember how unfair it was that I wasn't able to celebrate it too. I've seen people who were pregnant at the time get a card for mother's day from daddy and the baby and I thought that would have been so sweet.
Now Mother's Day is coming around again, and I still have nothing to show for it. But then I think, why wouldn't I be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Just because I don't have any children living, I still have 2 angels that were supposed to be mine.. were supposed to have names, to have my eyes or daddy's smile... I love those angels just as much as I will love any children I might have down the road... so why can't mother's day be for all mothers... even those who have lost their children? My child was still born, just too early... doesn't it count too?
I do know there is an International Bereaved Mother's Day some time, but geez, how sad does that sound. Bereaved... But I want to celebrate my children too and why can't I? I'm guessing getting a Mother's Day card when not even having anything to show for it might seem a little odd... and I get it. But I do know that this mother's day is not going to be easy. It's going to remind me that I should have had a 5 month old with me, that I would be getting flowers and a card from daddy and baby, and that I would have joined the ranks of all those mothers out there who have kids. But it's not going to happen. Who wants to celebrate something that never was?

Monday, April 30, 2012

Angelversary

So I made it through my Angelversary this weekend. The weeks and days leading up to these days were pretty hard. I think I was anxious and upset a lot for a lot of unreasonable things. I even developed the muscle spasm in my left eye that I had last year from stress! But I made it.

What is an Angelversary? I only came across the term a few weeks ago. It is the anniversary of the passing of your angel. Mine started the night of April 28th and all through the 29th last year that I lost my pregnancy. Since I bled on an off throughout the 8 days that I knew I was pregnant, I count when I lost my angel on the day I bled the heaviest and was the most uncomfortable. That was a year ago yesterday.

Somehow I managed to make it through the day with my sanity intact, looking forward to the future. With all the dates that I had dreaded passed by now (I would have been ___ many weeks now, I was due this day, this is one year since we conceived, this is one year since I got my positive test...) I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I am optimistic for the future.

I think about both of my angels often and hope that someday I will actually get meet them. Until then, we continue to try to give them a brother or sister here on Earth.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Big O

Well, as of a few days ago, it seems my body is still working correctly.. I ovulated (or "o'd"). I'm so relieved that after all of the fertility/birth control drugs I have used over the past months, that my body is still working! I'm hoping that the egg that released is one of the good ones left and that those boys can ask for directions and find their way to the right spot. In all reality, if it worked, I am pregnant right now. Weird to think about.

I'm still optimistic that we will be able to have a baby sometime in the near future, but I can't help but feel secretly hopeful that in the month that we found out we were pregnant one year ago, I would find out I am finally pregnant again.

So now the waiting begins again, the dreaded TWW (two week wait)... I plan to start testing April 12th or so. Whereas I know that the statistics are against us, I am still hopeful that when I do test, I will get two pink lines this time, instead of one.

Oh yeah, today is my birthday... big 33 today. Really thought I'd be a mommy by this age.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Hello Friends

Yep, posting twice in one day...I so far have kept my blog quiet not sure if I want to share it with people..but I'm thinking I'll go for it. I have really only told one person about everything we have done up to this point and as nerve wracking as it was, I felt momentary relief that I got it out to someone other than my poor husband.

But, I still have my reservations. Pros of sharing: I can finally talk about one of the most important things going in my life with the most important people in my life. So far I've shared my thoughts and hopes with complete strangers on Baby Center. Those girls have been with me from the very beginning and know everything and have been so supportive. Another pro: I won't have to repeat myself to anyone or have anyone give me that "poor you" look that I have been getting when asked if I'm pregnant yet and I say we're still trying.

Cons: people just don't talk about this stuff. People who have never gone through it don't know what to say or end of saying something really hurtful (please see RESOLVE link for etiquette in supporting friends or family going through infertility or pregnancy loss). Another con: well, it's kinda embarrassing/private/sometimes to much information/maybe didn't really want to know type of information. I get it... I'm sure Dad really doesn't want to read about me trying to make babies (sorry dad)... But there are so many misconceptions about people struggling to have a baby, that more people need to speak about what they have gone through.

So, friends, if you are reading this, don't be upset that I have not told you any of this. I'm not sorry, but I am relieved that you care enough to check in on me.

Pleasantly Surprised

The title of this post was going to be "I Don't Think My Ovaries Are Working"... This is due to me not having one single, not even close, positive ovulation test (opk). The one I took this morning with first morning pee, or FMU as we all call it, and it was very light indicating slight lh in the system. Well, tested again around 12:30 this afternoon, and lo and behold, it's close to positive!

Unmedicated, I normally ovulate around day 11 or 12 of my cycle, and as late as day 14. So today is day 15 and having been on the clomid and then the birth control last month, I don't know what to expect this cycle. So here I am, holding my pee, trying to make it to 4 hours of pee held to test again. I have three addictions: the Internet, iPad apps, and peeing on sticks... It's awful..

On another note, we're having a scare with Rosie today, she vomited a lot last night and has had diarrhea mixed with blood today. She's pretty down in the dumps, and with all of my Internet obsession, I've worked myself up into thinking she's gravely ill. So we're watching her today and thankfully the vomiting has stopped and she hasn't pooed since 2:15. Darn animals...

Saturday, March 31, 2012

cat + dog=crazy

So our morning (and evening) routine is a bit hectic with having two high-needs animals and it almost feels like it would be getting ready for a baby (minus waking up multiple times in the night)... In the morning, it is a juggling act of rotating the animals in the house so that they don't go after each other. Rosie goes first outside, then we bring her in and I have to get Bob's food ready so that he can get his insulin injection. And because I feel so guilty about leaving him in the basement so long, I sit down there with him for awhile.

Then it's back up to where Rosie wants to play and Richard (our nickname, if you will, for Bob) is meowing at the basement door. And all I want is my coffee and a little time on the internet! So by the time everyone is fed, injected and pottied, it's off to work a little later than I had planned where I then get to spend the day with 17 high needs kids!

Routine repeats itself at night where Richard gets his injection, Rosie goes outside and then we have to lure her into her room for the evening. She is really catching on, she knows that after the night potty break, she comes in and gets a treat. Rosie keeps me honest... I haven't had this much physical activity in a long time and it feels really good to get out and walk her or play "fetch-the-ball-then-chase-after-me". I can only assume that those good endorphins are helping to relieve the stress of this whole journey to motherhood that I have been on for entirely too long.

Writing this doesn't make it seem so bad, but for some reason it feels a little crazy sometimes! I love having Rosie in our family (she's official as of yesterday when I got her dog tags) but I'm wondering how crazy it's going to be when we actually have a baby to add to it all! It is a challenge that I will wholeheartedly accept...with a little groaning along the way, I'm sure..

Friday, March 30, 2012

The Journey Still Continues

Still here, still waiting, still wondering why we haven't been able to announce wonderful news of a pregnancy in the works. By now, my friends who were pregnant as of my last post have all had their babies. Wonderful beautiful children who are so fortunate to have such wonderful parents. But I still remain the 1 in 4.

In October, I went back to my ob/gyn for my annual check up and she recommended the Clomid route again. I had tried two unsuccessful months of it and did not see great results (not to mention the side effects) so I was hesitant to try again. She convinced me. So for the next month I tried 100mg of Clomid, then the next two months 150mg (pretty much the highest dose anyone wants to try). I did get something out of all those rounds of Clomid... 3 large cysts... two the size of ping pong balls.

Let me back up a bit. In December, I finally had it and on a quick decision, I decided to contact a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We had been trying for 9 cycles after our miscarriage to conceive again and frankly, I was done trying alone. Stu unfortunately had to come home to the announcement that I had an appointment the following Thursday... talk about quick.

So my RE discussed our tries at having a baby, my previous miscarriages, and all other things baby-making related. She said two things she noticed about me: 1. It takes me a long time to get pregnant and 2. I'm not able to keep the babies when I do get pregnant. Well duh, that's why I was there right?! She said that she wanted to do all the blood work and whole work up to figure out any underlying conditions that I might have and took me in for an ultrasound.

At that point, I was right in the middle of the Clomid cycle and had 4-5 follicles ready to go. Of course, we didn't get pregnant. Five targets... amazing how it missed. She also found that my lining was thin.. not good.

After that cycle, I went in for the blood work. Results? Low AMH (good= above 2, mine 1.2), higher FSH (good = below 10, mine 11.6) and of course.. the ping-pong cysts. Next step? Uh... birth control?

That was fun...

Cysts have shrunk and the plan was to go ahead with Femara (or Letrozole-another type of ovulation stimulating drug) combined with an HCG trigger shot to release the eggs and IUI (intrauterine insemination, a.k.a "turkey baster method". I found myself dragging my feet. Should I really disrupt my body yet again with drugs? How do I know the drugs didn't actually mess up my AMH and FSH? So many questions. We (yes Stu and I) decided that it was better to wait and try naturally again for awhile, at least until after our June vacation.

So it is settled. I have begun taking some supplements that my wonderful friend and clinical nutritionist recommended for me to get things more balanced. I remain hopeful...as ever...