Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?