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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Hope Floats

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Well, it has been awhile. For my March cycle following my "cancelled" cycle, I got to see my favorite Dr. M for my baseline ultrasound. He wanted to bump up the Femara from 7.5mg to 10mg (eek!) to get the follicles on my left side to "get off from vacation". Normally 10mg is not prescribed. I ovulate on my own, but to be able to have the better chances of getting more on the correct side, upping the dose made sense.

So, it definitely helped. At my mid-cycle ultrasound, I had a total of four mature follicles, 2 on the right (20.6 & 18mm) and 2 on the left (20.4 & 16.6mm). Dr. M the second was optimistic about this cycle and was kind in saying that he couldn't wait to get me to my first OB appointment. Now whether he meant that as "I can't wait for you to be done at my office to get out of my hair" or a genuine feeling of helping me get pregnant and helping me carry to term, I don't know. It doesn't matter, the end result is the same.

So I triggered that day and we did our duty. I was so hopeful... I don't know how many "please, please, please's" I said. After a long two week wait, my pregnancy tests never turned positive.

To say I was upset is an understatement. I got my stupid period again and went in for another baseline, again. After coming home with prescription in hand for another round of 10mg, I sat in utter disbelief. How the hell was I sitting there with yet another bottle of ovulation drugs? Why was I still doing this? When is enough?

I think if I hadn't filled my prescription, I would not have tried this cycle or maybe even the next one, or the next. For some people struggling with infertility, there comes a time when you just can't take it anymore. I always thought I would not be one of those people because the wait will have been worth it. I became one of those people that day. I wanted to quit.

To see that my husband did not want to quit after coming so far was hard to take. He says that his hope lies with me and my hope. That I keep him going through this. If I give up, then he has to as well. He held me as I just cried.

None of the past two and a half years make sense to me. It doesn't make sense that I am not holding a toddler or a newborn right now. It doesn't make sense that I am missing an essential body part for making a baby.

So, after my day of crying in despair and being mad at the forces that be, we buckled down and started preparing for what was to come at my mid-cycle ultrasound. Truth be told, I was so busy with so many other things, it literally snuck up on me.

So, on April 20th, I went in for the ultrasound. Dr. N greeted me and got to business. He checked the right side, nothing. Checked my lining, nodded and said "good". He moved over to my left side (tube side) and there, right on the screen, were two HUGE follicles!!! So he measured the two and they came in at 25.2mm and 20.7mm. I told him 2 is good!! I'll take those!! But then he said "3 is better." What??!! Hiding behind the biggest follicle was another one measuring 19.1mm! The smallest follicle was the same size as the follicles on our first cycle that we got pregnant with the ectopic.

I almost gave up on a cycle that has been better than any other one. Hope came from despair and I have hope. I do not know how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work out, and I have decided that if it doesn't, we are taking a break. Maybe a month, maybe more.

However, I don't think we'll need that break. Having finally admitted defeat, I think that this cycle, the one I almost gave up on, will be our "happily ever after". I don't "feel" pregnant (I can't, it's too early) but deep down, I know it. Hope floats and I am not giving up.