Trying to Find Hope

As of the last post I had just gotten the second methotrexate shots due to my HCG levels not declining. The Wednesday after the second set of shots my HCG did fall to 2,384 and I was bleeding. That was good news until my bloodwork for that Saturday (12/8) came back and showed that my HCG had gone up again.

I got a phone call on Sunday from the nurse with the news and with the instructions to prepare for surgery and to come back in to the office for another ultrasound before the surgery. It was a complete shock and I couldn't believe what was happening. I spent over 4 hours at school getting things prepared for a sub for the week trying not to panic.

So on Monday we went back in and had the ultraound. It showed the ectopic in the tube measuring even bigger than the week before, but now Dr. J saw bleeding spots in my pelvic cavity. So we went over the procedure itself, she emphasized wanting to do as little possible to my tube, but wouldn't know until she got in there.

We went over right away. I had to get ready by myself and that was terrifying. After 3 painful tries, they finally got an IV in and Stu was able to come back before I went in. They gave me a shot of something and I remember it working quickly. One minute I was switching tables, the next minute I was waking up asking about my tube. Someone told me Dr. J couldn't save my tube.

I went in and out a bit but had a lot of pain in my chest and ribs. It really hurt to breathe. That was from the gas they put in me to visualize everything. After awhile I was released to go home.

The first few days were miserable... The breathing thing was the worst part. I took the pain medication that did help a bit the first couple of days. Not until four days after the surgery was I finally able to take a deep breath without hurting so much. After that I only needed Tylenol every once and awhile.

I did return to work after a week for four days before Christmas break. The kids needed me back for sure. It was hard the first couple of days back, more emotionally rather than physically, but by Wednesday, I was doing better.

Throughout all that time, I really didn't have time to process what happened. Now that I have time, the pain of this loss and the loss of my tube makes me feel like I want to panic or just cry. I have always had hope, but then again, I had 2 working ovaries and tubes. Now I just don't know. I know there are worse situations out there, but after 4 losses and over 2 years of trying, how does one continue to find hope on a situation that is less than kind of ideal?