Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is looming ahead and I don't know how I feel about it. Last year, I had been planning to tell my family about the pregnancy on Mother's Day (at least my in-laws), but of course didn't get the chance to do it. I couldn't help but remember how unfair it was that I wasn't able to celebrate it too. I've seen people who were pregnant at the time get a card for mother's day from daddy and the baby and I thought that would have been so sweet.
Now Mother's Day is coming around again, and I still have nothing to show for it. But then I think, why wouldn't I be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Just because I don't have any children living, I still have 2 angels that were supposed to be mine.. were supposed to have names, to have my eyes or daddy's smile... I love those angels just as much as I will love any children I might have down the road... so why can't mother's day be for all mothers... even those who have lost their children? My child was still born, just too early... doesn't it count too?
I do know there is an International Bereaved Mother's Day some time, but geez, how sad does that sound. Bereaved... But I want to celebrate my children too and why can't I? I'm guessing getting a Mother's Day card when not even having anything to show for it might seem a little odd... and I get it. But I do know that this mother's day is not going to be easy. It's going to remind me that I should have had a 5 month old with me, that I would be getting flowers and a card from daddy and baby, and that I would have joined the ranks of all those mothers out there who have kids. But it's not going to happen. Who wants to celebrate something that never was?