Angelversary

So I made it through my Angelversary this weekend. The weeks and days leading up to these days were pretty hard. I think I was anxious and upset a lot for a lot of unreasonable things. I even developed the muscle spasm in my left eye that I had last year from stress! But I made it.

What is an Angelversary? I only came across the term a few weeks ago. It is the anniversary of the passing of your angel. Mine started the night of April 28th and all through the 29th last year that I lost my pregnancy. Since I bled on an off throughout the 8 days that I knew I was pregnant, I count when I lost my angel on the day I bled the heaviest and was the most uncomfortable. That was a year ago yesterday.

Somehow I managed to make it through the day with my sanity intact, looking forward to the future. With all the dates that I had dreaded passed by now (I would have been ___ many weeks now, I was due this day, this is one year since we conceived, this is one year since I got my positive test...) I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I am optimistic for the future.

I think about both of my angels often and hope that someday I will actually get meet them. Until then, we continue to try to give them a brother or sister here on Earth.

The Big O

Well, as of a few days ago, it seems my body is still working correctly.. I ovulated (or "o'd"). I'm so relieved that after all of the fertility/birth control drugs I have used over the past months, that my body is still working! I'm hoping that the egg that released is one of the good ones left and that those boys can ask for directions and find their way to the right spot. In all reality, if it worked, I am pregnant right now. Weird to think about.

I'm still optimistic that we will be able to have a baby sometime in the near future, but I can't help but feel secretly hopeful that in the month that we found out we were pregnant one year ago, I would find out I am finally pregnant again.

So now the waiting begins again, the dreaded TWW (two week wait)... I plan to start testing April 12th or so. Whereas I know that the statistics are against us, I am still hopeful that when I do test, I will get two pink lines this time, instead of one.

Oh yeah, today is my birthday... big 33 today. Really thought I'd be a mommy by this age.

Hello Friends

Yep, posting twice in one day...I so far have kept my blog quiet not sure if I want to share it with people..but I'm thinking I'll go for it. I have really only told one person about everything we have done up to this point and as nerve wracking as it was, I felt momentary relief that I got it out to someone other than my poor husband.

But, I still have my reservations. Pros of sharing: I can finally talk about one of the most important things going in my life with the most important people in my life. So far I've shared my thoughts and hopes with complete strangers on Baby Center. Those girls have been with me from the very beginning and know everything and have been so supportive. Another pro: I won't have to repeat myself to anyone or have anyone give me that "poor you" look that I have been getting when asked if I'm pregnant yet and I say we're still trying.

Cons: people just don't talk about this stuff. People who have never gone through it don't know what to say or end of saying something really hurtful (please see RESOLVE link for etiquette in supporting friends or family going through infertility or pregnancy loss). Another con: well, it's kinda embarrassing/private/sometimes to much information/maybe didn't really want to know type of information. I get it... I'm sure Dad really doesn't want to read about me trying to make babies (sorry dad)... But there are so many misconceptions about people struggling to have a baby, that more people need to speak about what they have gone through.

So, friends, if you are reading this, don't be upset that I have not told you any of this. I'm not sorry, but I am relieved that you care enough to check in on me.

Pleasantly Surprised

The title of this post was going to be "I Don't Think My Ovaries Are Working"... This is due to me not having one single, not even close, positive ovulation test (opk). The one I took this morning with first morning pee, or FMU as we all call it, and it was very light indicating slight lh in the system. Well, tested again around 12:30 this afternoon, and lo and behold, it's close to positive!

Unmedicated, I normally ovulate around day 11 or 12 of my cycle, and as late as day 14. So today is day 15 and having been on the clomid and then the birth control last month, I don't know what to expect this cycle. So here I am, holding my pee, trying to make it to 4 hours of pee held to test again. I have three addictions: the Internet, iPad apps, and peeing on sticks... It's awful..

On another note, we're having a scare with Rosie today, she vomited a lot last night and has had diarrhea mixed with blood today. She's pretty down in the dumps, and with all of my Internet obsession, I've worked myself up into thinking she's gravely ill. So we're watching her today and thankfully the vomiting has stopped and she hasn't pooed since 2:15. Darn animals...