A Year Later

This day last year I was being rushed into surgery for a rupturing ectopic pregnancy. It is surreal to think about what all was happening at this time a year ago and how really, not much has changed. What has changed is me.

With my last post, I had come to terms that our trying every month and failing was just not helping us. I had to make the change, not let my cycle or a pregnancy test be the deciding factor of my feeling positive or negative. It was the best decision I could make for myself.

 This new school year brought with it a whole new set of challenges that combined with negative pregnancy tests month after month would have just completely driven me insane. I have been able to focus on what is actually right in front of me, instead of an idea or abstract thought or wish. That break has made me sane again. I feel like I can breathe and that I don't have to live in 2-week increments. It has been a relief.

Now, saying that of course brings me to deciding that I wanted to try again. How nice it is to have a husband so willing to go with the ebb and flow of my emotions! So we tried last cycle, and of course it wasn't meant to be. But at least we tried. We'll try again, but I don't really have any expectations that we'll be able to do it on our own. The greatest thing is coming to the realization that this time that we're not failing at trying to have a baby, but we are succeeding in staying on our journey as a couple.

We knew this time would be difficult and giving it a go to change our feelings about this time of the year has been really helpful. Too many things have happened around the past few Christmases that they have kind of been ruined for us (pregnancy announcements, surgery, due dates of lost babies), but this year is different. We can move on and make this time our favorite time of the year again. Whether we have kids or not, we have each other, and that's not so bad at all.