Weird Dreams

I had a dream last night that my oldest friend threw me a baby shower and I didn't go because I felt like a fraud. It was not clear if I was actually pregnant in my dream, I must have been if she was throwing me a baby shower. 

I got 5 things. Two of them were dolls and the others were really weird things that I'm not sure I can even describe. She did have a onsie decorating station thing, and two types of punch: one pink and one blue. I dreamt that I went over to her house after the shower while she was at work to write her a note as to why I didn't go.

It was kind of unsettling... I can only imagine what my subconscious is thinking...

A Year Later

This day last year I was being rushed into surgery for a rupturing ectopic pregnancy. It is surreal to think about what all was happening at this time a year ago and how really, not much has changed. What has changed is me.

With my last post, I had come to terms that our trying every month and failing was just not helping us. I had to make the change, not let my cycle or a pregnancy test be the deciding factor of my feeling positive or negative. It was the best decision I could make for myself.

 This new school year brought with it a whole new set of challenges that combined with negative pregnancy tests month after month would have just completely driven me insane. I have been able to focus on what is actually right in front of me, instead of an idea or abstract thought or wish. That break has made me sane again. I feel like I can breathe and that I don't have to live in 2-week increments. It has been a relief.

Now, saying that of course brings me to deciding that I wanted to try again. How nice it is to have a husband so willing to go with the ebb and flow of my emotions! So we tried last cycle, and of course it wasn't meant to be. But at least we tried. We'll try again, but I don't really have any expectations that we'll be able to do it on our own. The greatest thing is coming to the realization that this time that we're not failing at trying to have a baby, but we are succeeding in staying on our journey as a couple.

We knew this time would be difficult and giving it a go to change our feelings about this time of the year has been really helpful. Too many things have happened around the past few Christmases that they have kind of been ruined for us (pregnancy announcements, surgery, due dates of lost babies), but this year is different. We can move on and make this time our favorite time of the year again. Whether we have kids or not, we have each other, and that's not so bad at all.

Coming to Terms with When Enough is Enough

We have come to the end of our journey for now. We have been trying for 8 months after my last pregnancy and surgery and still can't get pregnant, even though we have had the perfect conditions to conceive a child.

Our last cycle I had two great follicles on my tube side and paired it with and IUI. Stu's numbers came back better than the first time and we had so much hope. Consequently, I had to test on what should have been my due date and still ended with a negative pregnancy test. In those moments, I knew that I could not possibly keep doing this month after month.

In the IUI process, we decided to get another aspect of Stu's swimmers analyzed and the news has been less than optimal for us. We found that even though his counts were ok, his morphology came back at only 7%. Which means 93% of the swimmers in that sample were malformed in some way. Normal morphology ranges should be between over 15% normally shaped sperm.

We know that this is just one sample and one test and that each month those values can change. We would have to have another sample taken to confirm low morphology issues to be sure. But as it is, with my lack of being able to get pregnant quickly, we know we are dealing with an additional male factor  issue. 

So, when we look at the odds of us getting pregnant and keeping the pregnancy on our own, our odds are very low. Chances are I have problems with implantation, and he has sperm that are abnormal which could very well be causing the miscarriages as well. We won't know for sure.

So when the doctors are telling us that our best chances are in fact IVF with ICSI, we have to take that as the truth now. The hardest part is coming to terms with letting go of the hope that we can do it on our own. 

I just want to scream when people say "well you never know, don't give up hope!". But I DO know! I have been hoping for 3 years for just that very thought! I have to let go of hope in order to move on with my life.

Could it happen? I guess, sure. But if I keep living my life two weeks at a time, what will that give me? Only heartache each and every month.

So we are done. We did not try this month at all and I am finding it harder than I thought I would to deal with my giving up. I feel anxious that I could have wasted a perfectly good chance. But then I remind myself of all the other perfectly good chances we had this year that didn't yield even the faintest of pink lines and I feel only slightly better. But the thoughts creep back in... The what-ifs.

If you are a friend reading this, please don't tell me to lose hope... my hope is already lost. Please don't tell me to not give up on my dream of being a mommy... I don't dream about babies anymore. I have to give up my hope in order to live my life. If things work out that we can somehow do IVF next summer, then that is what I have to look forward to. In the meantime, I have to come to terms with the possibility of never getting to become the mother I so desperately want to be while I watch those around me living my dream.

IVF Consultation- yeah, I did it...

I had an IVF consultation June 4th with Dr. M the second. It wasn't as informative as I would have liked, but he did say that our best option for having a baby, and having one stick, is IVF with ICSI and PGD. Lots of acronyms, I know!

IVF is in vitro fertilization (test tube baby) and ICSI is intracytoplasmic sperm injection where they take only the best sperm and inject them into the eggs to have them fertilize. PGD is pregenetic diagnosis which involves screening the fertilized eggs for any chromosomal abnormalities before transferring them back into the uterus.

Given my history, IVF will increase my chances of getting pregnant in general. The ICSI will help out with lowish sperm count and takes away any of the duds that would normally be in the mix. The PGD will help with making sure I have the best embryos possible and that if I were to miscarry, it wouldn't be because of the embryo quality.

The kicker will be the cost. How much will it really cost for me to to have a baby? It is the unknown that is the scariest thing. Sure I may get pregnant (up to 60% do) but then of that 60%, only 40% go on to deliver. And with my 0/4 average birthing rate, what happens if I miscarry a $10,000+ baby? I'm not sure how one could come back from that.

So, lots to think about, especially the financial aspect of IVF.

Mother's Day... Again

There are no words for what people like me are feeling today, but these come pretty close...

"I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear ... A rather strange idea, I see everything from up here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, I saw every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way to remind her of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity"

Hope Floats

Well, it has been awhile. For my March cycle following my "cancelled" cycle, I got to see my favorite Dr. M for my baseline ultrasound. He wanted to bump up the Femara from 7.5mg to 10mg (eek!) to get the follicles on my left side to "get off from vacation". Normally 10mg is not prescribed. I ovulate on my own, but to be able to have the better chances of getting more on the correct side, upping the dose made sense.

So, it definitely helped. At my mid-cycle ultrasound, I had a total of four mature follicles, 2 on the right (20.6 & 18mm) and 2 on the left (20.4 & 16.6mm). Dr. M the second was optimistic about this cycle and was kind in saying that he couldn't wait to get me to my first OB appointment. Now whether he meant that as "I can't wait for you to be done at my office to get out of my hair" or a genuine feeling of helping me get pregnant and helping me carry to term, I don't know. It doesn't matter, the end result is the same.

So I triggered that day and we did our duty. I was so hopeful... I don't know how many "please, please, please's" I said. After a long two week wait, my pregnancy tests never turned positive.

To say I was upset is an understatement. I got my stupid period again and went in for another baseline, again. After coming home with prescription in hand for another round of 10mg, I sat in utter disbelief. How the hell was I sitting there with yet another bottle of ovulation drugs? Why was I still doing this? When is enough?

I think if I hadn't filled my prescription, I would not have tried this cycle or maybe even the next one, or the next. For some people struggling with infertility, there comes a time when you just can't take it anymore. I always thought I would not be one of those people because the wait will have been worth it. I became one of those people that day. I wanted to quit.

To see that my husband did not want to quit after coming so far was hard to take. He says that his hope lies with me and my hope. That I keep him going through this. If I give up, then he has to as well. He held me as I just cried.

None of the past two and a half years make sense to me. It doesn't make sense that I am not holding a toddler or a newborn right now. It doesn't make sense that I am missing an essential body part for making a baby.

So, after my day of crying in despair and being mad at the forces that be, we buckled down and started preparing for what was to come at my mid-cycle ultrasound. Truth be told, I was so busy with so many other things, it literally snuck up on me.

So, on April 20th, I went in for the ultrasound. Dr. N greeted me and got to business. He checked the right side, nothing. Checked my lining, nodded and said "good". He moved over to my left side (tube side) and there, right on the screen, were two HUGE follicles!!! So he measured the two and they came in at 25.2mm and 20.7mm. I told him 2 is good!! I'll take those!! But then he said "3 is better." What??!! Hiding behind the biggest follicle was another one measuring 19.1mm! The smallest follicle was the same size as the follicles on our first cycle that we got pregnant with the ectopic.

I almost gave up on a cycle that has been better than any other one. Hope came from despair and I have hope. I do not know how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work out, and I have decided that if it doesn't, we are taking a break. Maybe a month, maybe more.

However, I don't think we'll need that break. Having finally admitted defeat, I think that this cycle, the one I almost gave up on, will be our "happily ever after". I don't "feel" pregnant (I can't, it's too early) but deep down, I know it. Hope floats and I am not giving up.

On to Cycle 3...

It's been awhile, I know. So the perfect cycle ended up just being a normal cycle for me. No positive test, just the week-long reminder of my failure.

During that time, I did get the results of the Factor XIII V34L test and of course, just like predicted, I am positive for two copies (homozygous) of the mutation that is clearly linked with early pregnancy loss. So, I was able to start the Lovenox (blood thinner) injections at 10dpo. The injections themselves were not bad... It was more knowing that I was sticking a needle into my abdomen area that freaked me out! I got pretty good at it up until I had to stop after AF came.

So, we went on to cycle number two of trying. Same plan, 7.5 mg of Femara cycle days 3-7 and trigger shot if we had any follicles. Well, went in for the mid-cycle check and had 6 follicles total ranging from 12mm-14mm.

I had to go back two days later to see what had developed and only two on the right side actually grew. So my cycle was "cancelled". Dr. M the Second said there was "no point" doing a trigger for eggs on the wrong side. Even if the eggs did travel to the correct side, I would be at an increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy.

So, like he predicted, my period started (today of course) right on time. I go in tomorrow for another baseline appointment.

I have to say, I don't think I'll be sticking with Dr. M the Second. He basically said that there wasn't going to be much luck using the Femara and that injectable medications or IVF would be our best options. Well, I already know that!! If I had thousands of dollars waiting to be spent, we would have already gone that route.

And another complaint. For both ultrasounds, he had NO IDEA that I didn't have a tube on the right side!! He asked me the first time, "you have a blocked tube on the right?" I said no (after trying not to laugh at him or kick him in the face) and said that I didn't have a tube on the right side. He said "oh that's right, I think I saw that in your chart". Seriously? Did you really read my chart at all?! The second time he started on the right and said "I don't see a reason to wait, we can trigger today". So I asked him "what about the left side". He totally forgot that I DO NOT HAVE A TUBE ON THE RIGHT SIDE! And there wasn't a mature follicle on the left side.

It is one thing to have to have gone though all the losses of pregnancies that we have gone through as well as losing two doctors that I have chosen to work with. Not having any faith in a new doctor doesn't bode well for a good relationship.

So, I'll be requesting a different doctor tomorrow...

Starting Over, Again... Take 2

The tests I had done were a repeat TSH test that came back in the normal range, which is good, especially since I hadn't had it checked since I started Synthroid in September. The other two tests were for more clotting factors: PAI-1 and Factor XIII V34L.

In my search to find out what those were (never heard of them!) I found that they are both inherited gene mutations and that they can lead to clotting. PAI-1 is also responsible for implantation failure.

So, wouldn't you know it, I came back positive, heterozygous for PAI-1 (4G/5G). FML. The treatment is Lovenox, a blood thinner. I am still waiting for the results of the Factor XIII test and the decision for Lovenox (and that's a whole other story).

So this time, I asked to be put on 7.5mg of Femara to see if I could get a better response on my left side. I did!!! At my cd9 check, I had a good 19mm follicle on the right side, and a 15.5mm follicle on the left, with another smaller one on the left as well. I returned the next day and ended up with the 19mm on the right still, and the left had a 16.5 and a 15.5mm follicle.

So I got the true joy of injecting myself in the stomach with HCG that night! It wasn't too bad, just weird that I was doing it myself!

After the trigger Friday night, we went in for our first ever IUI on Monday morning. Stu was of course not happy about the whole arrangement, but was a champ. We got back pretty good numbers with 100% forward progressing swimmers! The IUI was a breeze with no pain or anything at all. It took less than a minute and I got to stay reclined for another 5 minutes afterwards.

So now, I am in my TWW. I am nervous and excited, hopeful and terrified. All emotions are high as I wait to test next week to see if we could have possibly gotten lucky!

Starting Over, Again... Minus a Tube

The day of my last entry was in fact, the day I got my first period after my ectopic surgery. It was nice to know that my body was trying to go back to normal, but we still needed to wait another cycle before we got to try again.

With the double doses of methotrexate, I'm guessing my folic acid in my body was virtually nothing. Getting pregnant soon would probably have been a bad idea.

The end of December and beginning of January were definitely very dark days for me. I knew that I wasn't in the best emotional state and I don't think that I realized how bad I really felt day to day. I just wanted to pick fights or yell or just be snappy. I wanted to cry most days, and most days I did. There was so much to work through with what had happened and the uncertainty of what is going to happen in the future for us.

I opened Facebook and there were pregnancy announcements everywhere. Belly photos, ultrasound photos and baby photos and updates everywhere. I just wanted to yell at the computer and to those people who had no clue what I was going through and how much it hurt to see that stuff. So, I stopped going on Facebook. It took awhile to realize that even though people are sorry for what happened, their lives have to go on to, while my life felt like it was just stuck in a horrible, sad loop.

It took seeing a very old (pregnant and due on the same day I was) friend for me to get some better perspective (yes, N, I'm talking about you, and you're not "old"). This is someone whom I've known closely since I was in first grade. P.S. nothing I'm about to say hasn't been told to her, just FYI.

The timing of her announcement to me plainly sucked. Christmas Day was hard enough and I got her text wanting to tell me before I had to find out on Facebook that she was pregnant. I of course would have taken the news the same way if she had told me any other day and looking back, really appreciate that she wanted to tell me herself. That's what friends do. But then I found out she is due the same day I was supposed to be due. That was really hard too.

So we met and we talked, and talked like we used to when we were younger- honestly and frankly... nothing held back. She told me she was sorry and felt guilty about being pregnant when I have lost my babies. As much as I don't want her or anyone to feel that way, I appreciated her telling me that. If I had been her, I would feel the same way. It wasn't until we started talking about how the emotions were after a huge loss (she lost her beautiful 15month old daughter in 2007), did I finally feel that someone actually knew exactly how I felt. Exactly. It was the biggest relief (unfortunately) to know that what I was feeling was completely normal and that I am not alone in it.

She let me  finally feel like I had some hope. No one knows what to say to someone else who has gone through  something life-changing, unless they themselves have gone through it.

So, with my renewed hope, I went in to meet a new RE, Dr. M (Dr. J moved to Texas). Hit it off with him and had a new plan in place that included a few more tests and the plan for Femara with HCG trigger and possible IUI if I had eggs on the left side.

Trying to Find Hope

As of the last post I had just gotten the second methotrexate shots due to my HCG levels not declining. The Wednesday after the second set of shots my HCG did fall to 2,384 and I was bleeding. That was good news until my bloodwork for that Saturday (12/8) came back and showed that my HCG had gone up again.

I got a phone call on Sunday from the nurse with the news and with the instructions to prepare for surgery and to come back in to the office for another ultrasound before the surgery. It was a complete shock and I couldn't believe what was happening. I spent over 4 hours at school getting things prepared for a sub for the week trying not to panic.

So on Monday we went back in and had the ultraound. It showed the ectopic in the tube measuring even bigger than the week before, but now Dr. J saw bleeding spots in my pelvic cavity. So we went over the procedure itself, she emphasized wanting to do as little possible to my tube, but wouldn't know until she got in there.

We went over right away. I had to get ready by myself and that was terrifying. After 3 painful tries, they finally got an IV in and Stu was able to come back before I went in. They gave me a shot of something and I remember it working quickly. One minute I was switching tables, the next minute I was waking up asking about my tube. Someone told me Dr. J couldn't save my tube.

I went in and out a bit but had a lot of pain in my chest and ribs. It really hurt to breathe. That was from the gas they put in me to visualize everything. After awhile I was released to go home.

The first few days were miserable... The breathing thing was the worst part. I took the pain medication that did help a bit the first couple of days. Not until four days after the surgery was I finally able to take a deep breath without hurting so much. After that I only needed Tylenol every once and awhile.

I did return to work after a week for four days before Christmas break. The kids needed me back for sure. It was hard the first couple of days back, more emotionally rather than physically, but by Wednesday, I was doing better.

Throughout all that time, I really didn't have time to process what happened. Now that I have time, the pain of this loss and the loss of my tube makes me feel like I want to panic or just cry. I have always had hope, but then again, I had 2 working ovaries and tubes. Now I just don't know. I know there are worse situations out there, but after 4 losses and over 2 years of trying, how does one continue to find hope on a situation that is less than kind of ideal?

Methotrexate Take 2

I got stuck in the butt again today. I went in for blood tests Wednesday and Saturday and rather than declining, my hcg levels doubled for Wednesday (2,692) and up another 200 to 2,890 yesterday. The Wednesday number was okay, I was advised that it is normal for the level to go up initially, but by day 7 should go down by 15% putting me around the 2,330 range.

 So I got to meet Dr. M today, he's a nice guy, to the point and quite gentle. He found the gestational sac on ultrasound confirming an unruptured ectopic pregnancy. He did check other areas as well to be certain. So, he recommended two options-another dose of methotrexate or surgery. As the sac was still very small and there wasn't really anything to see in it, he was confident that another shot would do the job. This set hurt. A lot. Maybe it was the difference in nurses or maybe the site was still sore from last week, but it really hurt this time. Stu said she stuck the needle in all the way and plunged fast. Ouch! I also bled this time at the injection sites. I seriously don't ever want to do this again. So now we still wait.

It is weird that I am still pregnant and feeling pregnant even though my pregnancy was doomed almost 2 weeks ago. Today would have been 7 weeks. So as we speak, I am now having brown spotting which I can only assume is good. On my ultrasound photo, on the left side, you can see a white outlined gestational sac with a dark area around it (fluid)...it is the round one on top of a kind of oblong shape. To the right of the sac is my fallopian tube which looks like a straw going at an angle upwards. I will try to upload the photo in a smaller form but here is the link to my photo:Ultrasound photo

On another note, my suspicions of having a positive test for the MTHFR (or the motherf&@#3r gene as I call it) was confirmed. I am positive for a double copy (homozygous) of the C677t mutation. This is the bad one to have as far as I understand. It has everything to do with properly converting and producing folic acid in the body.

 People with this type of mutation do not produce enough folic acid which leads to increased occurrence of neural tube defects. It also leads to increased homocysteine levels which lead to clotting factors. Both of these issue are troublesome for pregnancy and even though it is still controversial to say this, there is an increased likelihood of recurrent miscarriage. 

 So I've got the thyroid/MTHFR/ectopic/autoimmune thing to worry about for my next pregnancy. No problem...

Ectopic Pregnancy

Just got back from our latest ultrasound. As of Friday my hcg had risen to 1024 and whereas it should have been a good sign, in my case with nothing being found at all in my uterus, it wasn't good news.

Ultraound today revealed the same small mass Dr. J had seen on Friday and that had not changed. But, on closer inspection, she did see a mass in my right tube measuring 6w1d. Today I am supposed to be 6 weeks. So, the mass combined with nothing again in my uterus, Dr. J was certain that I am having an ectopic pregnancy.

She looked and looked to make sure. Checked my cervix and all surrounding areas that an embryo could have implanted. So I have no doubt about the ectopic diagnosis.

So, I had to get the Methotrexate shots, one in each hip, intramuscularly. Stung a bit, but wasn't too bad. It is a chemotherapy drug that strips your body of folic acid and stops the growth of cellular tissue quickly. If I didn't get the shots then I would have run the risk of having my tube rupture and have internal bleeding. I don't want to lose a tube and I seriously don't want to hemorrhage.

So now, we have to have my blood levels checked on Wednesday and Saturday. If the levels are going down well, then I will just have blood tests weekly to monitor my levels to 0. If they are not going down well by Saturday, then I will have to get another dose of the Methotrexate.

After my numbers are at 0, I will have to wait another "normal" cycle before we can try again. So that puts us in around late January-February to try again. In the mean time, I am not to have any folic acid supplements or foods, as well as no ibuprofen or aspirin, alcohol or a lot of sun exposure.

So, as it is, am I the most unlucky person in the world?! Only 1% of the population will ever have more than 3 miscarriages, and about 1 on 50 pregnancies are ectopic. I don't anyone who has has an ectopic. I am a statistical nightmare.

But on the flip side, 85% of women who have 3 or more losses will go on to have a normal pregnancy and my risk for another ectopic is higher than the rest of the normal population,  but not by too much. There's always a rainbow after a storm...I just have to find it.

More Waiting

On Wednesday  my hcg was 669, and yesterday it jumped up to 1024. Crap. It didn't quite double, but now I'm seriously looking at the possibility of an ectopic. On ultrasound, most pregnancies can't be picked up until your levels reach at least 1000 which means in my case dr. J wouldn't have been able to see anything anyways.

I have to go in tomorrow (Sunday) for another scan. This time she may be able to see something. If it isn't in my uterus, the I have to go ahead with the methotrexate shot because it means there is something somewhere causing my hcg to continue to rise. So this is why I haven't started my heavy bleeding yet.

I'm so scared right now. I was really hoping that this would have ended quickly and not be drawn out like this with all the uncertainty. What I'm most afraid of is the shot. We won't be able to try for sometime afterwards because it strips your body of folic acid which could lead to neural tube defects in a subsequent pregnancy. And also, it's a pretty strong drug.

What if I see a baby in the right spot tomorrow? Could I really be that lucky? I'm guessing not since my numbers should have been rising faster than this. I will continue to hope that this all turns out well.

Fourth Miscarriage Confirmed

Ugh, where to even start. Well, as of my last post, it is possible to get pregnant on the first try of Letrozole with trigger. I was that girl.

I got my first faint positive at about 14 dpo and of course yelled for Stu to see if he could see the line and of course he could! That same day I started spotting. I figured it was the proverbial "implantation spotting" which I had in my first pregnancy.

The next day I got an even darker pregnancy test line, but was still spotting. Monday came and I called to get my first blood draw and the bleeding picked up. At that point I was hanging on to hope by a thin thread. Tuesday's blood draw was 37, lower than what they wanted, but it was what happened in the next draw that mattered.

On Thursday my number almost quadrupled to 135!! Amazing! Still spotting, but it had receded a bit. I then had to go in for one more blood draw on Saturday and then I would be able to schedule my very first ultrasound. My number again surprised me and almost tripled to 398.

This past Monday I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday 11/21. Though the whole time my spotting/bleeding continued and I was really trying to hold on to hope that I could make it to my ultrasound. The ultrasound came on Wednesday and I was so nervous. After a wait, Dr. J came in. Immediately we did not see anything in the uterus, and Dr. J then started to look to see if there I was having an ectopic pregnancy. She did not see anything in any tube or by the ovaries. After the shock I was ushered to get more bloodwork. If the numbers were up, I would have to go back for another ultrasound and blood check.

My numbers had gone up to 669. So, at some point after Saturday I was still kicking out hcg. So another ultrasound and hcg test were scheduled for Friday.

I had a really good cry on Wednesday and promised that I would take things in stride. After my first ultrasound, I asked what our options would be for trying again and another pregnancy. Dr. J said if we did not have an ectopic and have to take the methotrexate shot, we could begin trying right away. Don't even have to wait. As for keeping the next pregnancy, she said that even though she is on the fence, she would allow me to try prednisone and/or Lovenox injections.

She warned me of the risks of both. Prednisone is a corticosteroid, which supresses the adrenal glands. It will help prevent my body from attacking the embryo/fetus if in fact I'm having an autoimmune response and my body is seeing my pregnancies as foreign invaders. With prednisone, I would have to start and stop it every cycle- and I can't just stop it, I'd have to be weaned off it each month I don't get pregnant. The risks/side effects are hunger, weight gain, low blood sugar, and obvious involvement with the adrenal glands.

Lovenox is a blood thinner that is injected. The theory for pregnacy use for those who have had multiple early miscarriages or even a second-third term loss of blood clotting is that early I pregnancy  my body might be forming tiny clots where my placenta is trying to go thus restricting blood flow to the embryo/fetus. The Lovenox will stop that. The risks are a bit more severe in that if I were to get in an accident or get hurt, my bleeding might not be stopped.

I accept all risks I trying to keep my next pregnancy. Whereas I can't stop a chromosomally defective pregnancy, since we don't know if my pregnancies have been normal or not since I can't get far enough to test them, it is the best next move for us in trying to keep a normal pregnancy.

I had my ultrasound on Friday and there was still nothing in the uterus. Dr. J looked very carefully at my tubes and ovaries and did not see anything that resembled a gestational sac. She looked even closer at my right ovary and was certain what she saw was just a corpus leuteum cyst from where I ovulated. But she wanted to be sure. I had my repeat blood draw (for anyone counting, that's five blood draws in two weeks, got pricked 3 times on the left arm and twice on the right....ouch).

I am waiting for my blood test results today, Saturday. One victory I achieved was that I finally requested to be tested for the MTHFR gene and will get my results next week. I might finally know if I have a different underlying cause of my early miscarriages.

So still, I wait.

Getting Nervous

I hate/love this time in the cycle. Where you are definitely able to get a positive, but also definitely able to not get a positive. My trigger shot test this morning came out lighter than yesterday's but still pretty much there. I really hope that that in the next couple of days I will be one of those girls whose tests never go negative but get darker as time goes on.

The chances of me actually being pregnant on my first round of Letrozole and trigger? Probably about the same as any month, so I am really trying hard not to get my hopes up too much. I'm definitely hopeful, but trying to keep things in perspective. I mean, come on, who actually gets pregnant the first try on medication?!

But, good or bad, I am very glad that I decided to go the medicine route again. The knowledge that I am actually saving eggs rather than wasting eggs is reassuring to me. Plus, the medication has had such little effect on me, that I can only be thankful for a bigger chance at getting pregnant when having more follicles.

So, here I wait... testing again tomorrow... Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Testing out the trigger

So I have to say, the Femara has been wonderful to me!! So far the only side effects I felt were when I took the first couple of days of pills and had headaches and I was tired. I fully expected to have the hot flashes come after finishing the pills, but I haven't! What a wonderful drug!

So I'm still in the waiting game for this month... I am currently 7 dpo (days past ovulation) and am starting to get anxious about what my results are going to be this month. I have so much hope and I swing back and forth between thinking that we are going to be lucky this month and it's just another month, why would it be any different than the last 7 cycles... I hate this waiting game. I just want to know now so that if we have to move on to next cycle we can. Living life two weeks at a time for over two years is really starting to take it's toll.

Anyways, I have been testing out my trigger every other day and of course, the tests are getting lighter by about half. My plan is to test every other day until 11days past the trigger (which puts me at 10dpo) and then just start testing everyday. I imagine by 11dpt, it should be about out of my system, and even if it isn't I'll see if my tests get darker rather than lighter. Here's to hoping the lines just don't go away!

Mid-cycle Ultrasound and SHG

Had a great appointment with the Dr. J (RE) yesterday! I was in for an SHG and a mid-cycle follice check to see how I am responding to the Femara. Both went super well! SHG showed no fibroids, septum (a kind of dividing line in the uterus, can restrict fetal growth) and no polyps! Anatomically, I am perfect!

Dr. J gave me the results of my FSH and estrogen levels from early this cycle... They both came back great as well! FSH was a good 8.5 (anything under 10 is good). Even though I had my 11.7 earlier this year, Dr. J still wants to treat me as if I am still "trending up" with FSH especially with my lower AMH level. But still, it's good news for this cycle!

As for the ultrasound, I has two follicles on the right side, both measuring 19mm which is great and I was given my HCG trigger shot there in the office. Did NOT hurt at all! So, of course, I went home and peed on a stick just to see that positive... I plan to test out my trigger to make sure when I do test for sure, it will be a true positive or negative.

Overall, I'm really happy that we took the leap again to go see Dr. J...I can't really get the hope that we could have twins if all works out 100% this cycle! It's hard not to get really excited this cycle... But even if one takes, I'll be over the moon!!

Still Here, Still Trying

Well, I was really hoping that I would be able to come and post sooner about a positive pregnancy test again, but that is not to be. We are currently on our 7th cycle post chemical pregnancy and have started a new course of action. I finally met with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in September to discuss what steps we would need to take if and when I got pregnant again. I am so happy I got the nerve to go back because I had a lot of questions answered and some clarification of concerns I had. So, in that appointment, we decided that I would do some more genetic testing for Fragile X syndrome and Stu would have his karyotyping done (DNA test to make sure it is normal. Both tests came back just fine, so it does not appear that we are carriers of any genetic diseases. Also, the RE took a look at my thyroid levels and decided to prescribe Synthroid to manage Hashimoto's disease. I am currently negative for the antibodies, but my regular endocrinologist says its a matter of time. My RE agreed but also said that my thyroid problems could be a cause for my "recurrent miscarriages". So, after all that, the RE said that she wanted me to be as aggressive as I was comfortable with to get pregnant. Because I have low ovarian reserve, it will onl get worse. She said that one of the most common causes of this in younger women is due to auto-immune disorders. So we agreed to try Femara/Letrozole with an HCG trigger shot. The Femara should help develop my eggs better and will hopefully give me a couple of eggs to release at ovulation time. I have started my Femara and will go in again next Friday for a mid-cycle ultrasound to see how the follicles are developing and also for a SHG (sonohystogram- fluid ultrasound to check for uterine abnormalities). We are not doing IUI this month and will probably hold off until January for that. So, once again, I am hopeful, but still nervous about taking drugs for fertility. So wish us luck!

Coming to Term

Well, its been a couple of weeks now since my chemical pregnancy and like the title of my post said, I think I have come to term with what has happened. After a couple of days of intense disappointment and a lot of "what's wrong with me?", I think I am in a better place. My body seems to be working well enough though, after a normal-like period, I am back to ovulating already... I got my bright opk on Thursday (cycle day 10) and another very dark one yesterday at cd 11. It does seem that I ovulated yesterday! It is a bit earlier than normal, usually I go around cd 12-14, but I'll take it! We were caught a little off guard though, but at least I had one day's warning... it only takes one time! I do not expect to get pregnant this cycle... unfortunately, we are the beginning point yet again. It could take another year for us to get pregnant again, and I guess I am prepared for that possibility. It sucks, but what else can I do but try? Our first pregnancy came after 7 months of trying (8cycles) and this one took 13 cycles after my miscarriage, not counting the birth control cycle for cysts. But, if I took out all the cycles that I was on Clomid/Birth control, it actually only took us 4 cycles to get pregnant. I can only assume since we have gotten pregnant twice not on meds, it is the best for me to continue without any medical intervention (as in any ovulation stimulation meds). I feel good that I made the choice to not go through with the Letrozole (it's does the same thing as Clomid) and IUI. Lo and behold we got pregnant on our own. So that is what we're going to do. Keep at it naturally. And hey, it could only take one cycle to get pregnant again! I can only hope. I started reading a book called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage" by Jon Cohen. I'm finding this book to be more of a source of hope in knowing that I do have a chance to have a very normal pregnancy, despite my history of miscarriage. In the book, Cohen recounts his wife's four miscarriages between having their daughter and later having their son, without any medical intervention. One of those "it just happened" kind of things. I was actually startled to find out that he said "50% of conceptions fail, which means that at least half of all pregnancies fail, 25% of women who attmept to become pregnant likely will have two miscarriages, and 12.5% will have three". This is only found out because of early testing. Most pregnancies that fail will fail before anyone even knows they are pregnant. It is interesting that who knows how many miscarriages could have been documented if all women tested early for pregnancy. How many more "chemical pregnancies" would there be? There is something that gave me hope..."when recurrent spontaneous aborters-women like Shannon [author's wife], veterans of three or more miscarriages in a row-become pregnant again, they will, with no treatment, carry to term nearly 70 percent of the time." So, even though I might have a 3% chance of becoming pregnant in any given cycle, my next one has a 70% chance of sticking. I like those odd.

Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?