Fourth Miscarriage Confirmed

Ugh, where to even start. Well, as of my last post, it is possible to get pregnant on the first try of Letrozole with trigger. I was that girl.

I got my first faint positive at about 14 dpo and of course yelled for Stu to see if he could see the line and of course he could! That same day I started spotting. I figured it was the proverbial "implantation spotting" which I had in my first pregnancy.

The next day I got an even darker pregnancy test line, but was still spotting. Monday came and I called to get my first blood draw and the bleeding picked up. At that point I was hanging on to hope by a thin thread. Tuesday's blood draw was 37, lower than what they wanted, but it was what happened in the next draw that mattered.

On Thursday my number almost quadrupled to 135!! Amazing! Still spotting, but it had receded a bit. I then had to go in for one more blood draw on Saturday and then I would be able to schedule my very first ultrasound. My number again surprised me and almost tripled to 398.

This past Monday I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday 11/21. Though the whole time my spotting/bleeding continued and I was really trying to hold on to hope that I could make it to my ultrasound. The ultrasound came on Wednesday and I was so nervous. After a wait, Dr. J came in. Immediately we did not see anything in the uterus, and Dr. J then started to look to see if there I was having an ectopic pregnancy. She did not see anything in any tube or by the ovaries. After the shock I was ushered to get more bloodwork. If the numbers were up, I would have to go back for another ultrasound and blood check.

My numbers had gone up to 669. So, at some point after Saturday I was still kicking out hcg. So another ultrasound and hcg test were scheduled for Friday.

I had a really good cry on Wednesday and promised that I would take things in stride. After my first ultrasound, I asked what our options would be for trying again and another pregnancy. Dr. J said if we did not have an ectopic and have to take the methotrexate shot, we could begin trying right away. Don't even have to wait. As for keeping the next pregnancy, she said that even though she is on the fence, she would allow me to try prednisone and/or Lovenox injections.

She warned me of the risks of both. Prednisone is a corticosteroid, which supresses the adrenal glands. It will help prevent my body from attacking the embryo/fetus if in fact I'm having an autoimmune response and my body is seeing my pregnancies as foreign invaders. With prednisone, I would have to start and stop it every cycle- and I can't just stop it, I'd have to be weaned off it each month I don't get pregnant. The risks/side effects are hunger, weight gain, low blood sugar, and obvious involvement with the adrenal glands.

Lovenox is a blood thinner that is injected. The theory for pregnacy use for those who have had multiple early miscarriages or even a second-third term loss of blood clotting is that early I pregnancy  my body might be forming tiny clots where my placenta is trying to go thus restricting blood flow to the embryo/fetus. The Lovenox will stop that. The risks are a bit more severe in that if I were to get in an accident or get hurt, my bleeding might not be stopped.

I accept all risks I trying to keep my next pregnancy. Whereas I can't stop a chromosomally defective pregnancy, since we don't know if my pregnancies have been normal or not since I can't get far enough to test them, it is the best next move for us in trying to keep a normal pregnancy.

I had my ultrasound on Friday and there was still nothing in the uterus. Dr. J looked very carefully at my tubes and ovaries and did not see anything that resembled a gestational sac. She looked even closer at my right ovary and was certain what she saw was just a corpus leuteum cyst from where I ovulated. But she wanted to be sure. I had my repeat blood draw (for anyone counting, that's five blood draws in two weeks, got pricked 3 times on the left arm and twice on the right....ouch).

I am waiting for my blood test results today, Saturday. One victory I achieved was that I finally requested to be tested for the MTHFR gene and will get my results next week. I might finally know if I have a different underlying cause of my early miscarriages.

So still, I wait.

Getting Nervous

I hate/love this time in the cycle. Where you are definitely able to get a positive, but also definitely able to not get a positive. My trigger shot test this morning came out lighter than yesterday's but still pretty much there. I really hope that that in the next couple of days I will be one of those girls whose tests never go negative but get darker as time goes on.

The chances of me actually being pregnant on my first round of Letrozole and trigger? Probably about the same as any month, so I am really trying hard not to get my hopes up too much. I'm definitely hopeful, but trying to keep things in perspective. I mean, come on, who actually gets pregnant the first try on medication?!

But, good or bad, I am very glad that I decided to go the medicine route again. The knowledge that I am actually saving eggs rather than wasting eggs is reassuring to me. Plus, the medication has had such little effect on me, that I can only be thankful for a bigger chance at getting pregnant when having more follicles.

So, here I wait... testing again tomorrow... Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Testing out the trigger

So I have to say, the Femara has been wonderful to me!! So far the only side effects I felt were when I took the first couple of days of pills and had headaches and I was tired. I fully expected to have the hot flashes come after finishing the pills, but I haven't! What a wonderful drug!

So I'm still in the waiting game for this month... I am currently 7 dpo (days past ovulation) and am starting to get anxious about what my results are going to be this month. I have so much hope and I swing back and forth between thinking that we are going to be lucky this month and it's just another month, why would it be any different than the last 7 cycles... I hate this waiting game. I just want to know now so that if we have to move on to next cycle we can. Living life two weeks at a time for over two years is really starting to take it's toll.

Anyways, I have been testing out my trigger every other day and of course, the tests are getting lighter by about half. My plan is to test every other day until 11days past the trigger (which puts me at 10dpo) and then just start testing everyday. I imagine by 11dpt, it should be about out of my system, and even if it isn't I'll see if my tests get darker rather than lighter. Here's to hoping the lines just don't go away!

Mid-cycle Ultrasound and SHG

Had a great appointment with the Dr. J (RE) yesterday! I was in for an SHG and a mid-cycle follice check to see how I am responding to the Femara. Both went super well! SHG showed no fibroids, septum (a kind of dividing line in the uterus, can restrict fetal growth) and no polyps! Anatomically, I am perfect!

Dr. J gave me the results of my FSH and estrogen levels from early this cycle... They both came back great as well! FSH was a good 8.5 (anything under 10 is good). Even though I had my 11.7 earlier this year, Dr. J still wants to treat me as if I am still "trending up" with FSH especially with my lower AMH level. But still, it's good news for this cycle!

As for the ultrasound, I has two follicles on the right side, both measuring 19mm which is great and I was given my HCG trigger shot there in the office. Did NOT hurt at all! So, of course, I went home and peed on a stick just to see that positive... I plan to test out my trigger to make sure when I do test for sure, it will be a true positive or negative.

Overall, I'm really happy that we took the leap again to go see Dr. J...I can't really get the hope that we could have twins if all works out 100% this cycle! It's hard not to get really excited this cycle... But even if one takes, I'll be over the moon!!

Still Here, Still Trying

Well, I was really hoping that I would be able to come and post sooner about a positive pregnancy test again, but that is not to be. We are currently on our 7th cycle post chemical pregnancy and have started a new course of action. I finally met with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in September to discuss what steps we would need to take if and when I got pregnant again. I am so happy I got the nerve to go back because I had a lot of questions answered and some clarification of concerns I had. So, in that appointment, we decided that I would do some more genetic testing for Fragile X syndrome and Stu would have his karyotyping done (DNA test to make sure it is normal. Both tests came back just fine, so it does not appear that we are carriers of any genetic diseases. Also, the RE took a look at my thyroid levels and decided to prescribe Synthroid to manage Hashimoto's disease. I am currently negative for the antibodies, but my regular endocrinologist says its a matter of time. My RE agreed but also said that my thyroid problems could be a cause for my "recurrent miscarriages". So, after all that, the RE said that she wanted me to be as aggressive as I was comfortable with to get pregnant. Because I have low ovarian reserve, it will onl get worse. She said that one of the most common causes of this in younger women is due to auto-immune disorders. So we agreed to try Femara/Letrozole with an HCG trigger shot. The Femara should help develop my eggs better and will hopefully give me a couple of eggs to release at ovulation time. I have started my Femara and will go in again next Friday for a mid-cycle ultrasound to see how the follicles are developing and also for a SHG (sonohystogram- fluid ultrasound to check for uterine abnormalities). We are not doing IUI this month and will probably hold off until January for that. So, once again, I am hopeful, but still nervous about taking drugs for fertility. So wish us luck!

Coming to Term

Well, its been a couple of weeks now since my chemical pregnancy and like the title of my post said, I think I have come to term with what has happened. After a couple of days of intense disappointment and a lot of "what's wrong with me?", I think I am in a better place. My body seems to be working well enough though, after a normal-like period, I am back to ovulating already... I got my bright opk on Thursday (cycle day 10) and another very dark one yesterday at cd 11. It does seem that I ovulated yesterday! It is a bit earlier than normal, usually I go around cd 12-14, but I'll take it! We were caught a little off guard though, but at least I had one day's warning... it only takes one time! I do not expect to get pregnant this cycle... unfortunately, we are the beginning point yet again. It could take another year for us to get pregnant again, and I guess I am prepared for that possibility. It sucks, but what else can I do but try? Our first pregnancy came after 7 months of trying (8cycles) and this one took 13 cycles after my miscarriage, not counting the birth control cycle for cysts. But, if I took out all the cycles that I was on Clomid/Birth control, it actually only took us 4 cycles to get pregnant. I can only assume since we have gotten pregnant twice not on meds, it is the best for me to continue without any medical intervention (as in any ovulation stimulation meds). I feel good that I made the choice to not go through with the Letrozole (it's does the same thing as Clomid) and IUI. Lo and behold we got pregnant on our own. So that is what we're going to do. Keep at it naturally. And hey, it could only take one cycle to get pregnant again! I can only hope. I started reading a book called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage" by Jon Cohen. I'm finding this book to be more of a source of hope in knowing that I do have a chance to have a very normal pregnancy, despite my history of miscarriage. In the book, Cohen recounts his wife's four miscarriages between having their daughter and later having their son, without any medical intervention. One of those "it just happened" kind of things. I was actually startled to find out that he said "50% of conceptions fail, which means that at least half of all pregnancies fail, 25% of women who attmept to become pregnant likely will have two miscarriages, and 12.5% will have three". This is only found out because of early testing. Most pregnancies that fail will fail before anyone even knows they are pregnant. It is interesting that who knows how many miscarriages could have been documented if all women tested early for pregnancy. How many more "chemical pregnancies" would there be? There is something that gave me hope..."when recurrent spontaneous aborters-women like Shannon [author's wife], veterans of three or more miscarriages in a row-become pregnant again, they will, with no treatment, carry to term nearly 70 percent of the time." So, even though I might have a 3% chance of becoming pregnant in any given cycle, my next one has a 70% chance of sticking. I like those odd.

Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?