Coming to Term

Well, its been a couple of weeks now since my chemical pregnancy and like the title of my post said, I think I have come to term with what has happened. After a couple of days of intense disappointment and a lot of "what's wrong with me?", I think I am in a better place. My body seems to be working well enough though, after a normal-like period, I am back to ovulating already... I got my bright opk on Thursday (cycle day 10) and another very dark one yesterday at cd 11. It does seem that I ovulated yesterday! It is a bit earlier than normal, usually I go around cd 12-14, but I'll take it! We were caught a little off guard though, but at least I had one day's warning... it only takes one time! I do not expect to get pregnant this cycle... unfortunately, we are the beginning point yet again. It could take another year for us to get pregnant again, and I guess I am prepared for that possibility. It sucks, but what else can I do but try? Our first pregnancy came after 7 months of trying (8cycles) and this one took 13 cycles after my miscarriage, not counting the birth control cycle for cysts. But, if I took out all the cycles that I was on Clomid/Birth control, it actually only took us 4 cycles to get pregnant. I can only assume since we have gotten pregnant twice not on meds, it is the best for me to continue without any medical intervention (as in any ovulation stimulation meds). I feel good that I made the choice to not go through with the Letrozole (it's does the same thing as Clomid) and IUI. Lo and behold we got pregnant on our own. So that is what we're going to do. Keep at it naturally. And hey, it could only take one cycle to get pregnant again! I can only hope. I started reading a book called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage" by Jon Cohen. I'm finding this book to be more of a source of hope in knowing that I do have a chance to have a very normal pregnancy, despite my history of miscarriage. In the book, Cohen recounts his wife's four miscarriages between having their daughter and later having their son, without any medical intervention. One of those "it just happened" kind of things. I was actually startled to find out that he said "50% of conceptions fail, which means that at least half of all pregnancies fail, 25% of women who attmept to become pregnant likely will have two miscarriages, and 12.5% will have three". This is only found out because of early testing. Most pregnancies that fail will fail before anyone even knows they are pregnant. It is interesting that who knows how many miscarriages could have been documented if all women tested early for pregnancy. How many more "chemical pregnancies" would there be? There is something that gave me hope..."when recurrent spontaneous aborters-women like Shannon [author's wife], veterans of three or more miscarriages in a row-become pregnant again, they will, with no treatment, carry to term nearly 70 percent of the time." So, even though I might have a 3% chance of becoming pregnant in any given cycle, my next one has a 70% chance of sticking. I like those odd.

Chemical Pregnancy

Mother's Day turned out to be the best day. Actually, the day before was even better. On Saturday, the 12th, I woke up, peed on a little cheapie test, watched it develop a little, swore I had "line eye" - a condition testing pros often get when they think they see a line, but can't really tell. I set the test down, took Rosie out and came in to greet Stu. Weird to say, I almost forgot about the test, so I went back in to look at it and started screaming Stu's name. Poor Stu thought there was a bug or something he needed to kill and as I was running around with the stick in my hand trying to find good light to see that faint pink line, Stu had to follow me around trying to understand what I was saying. I finally got out the words "do you see the line?!". He said he did and I just melted down crying. Stu held me as relief came over me. A year of trying..tests, drugs, heartbreak month after month...finally I was pregnant again!!! I absolutely could not believe it..I had no idea!!! The next two days I watched my tests get darker and I started to become hopeful that this one would stick. However, I got my hopes up too soon. On 13dpo (days past ovulation), I tested in the evening with only holding pee for a couple of hours and my test was lighter. I didn't think too much of it, it happens..14dpo tested again, held pee for 5 long hours. Test was even lighter. I knew then something was wrong. Blood test came back for that day at 27, half of what it should have been. I stopped testing and tried to spend the weekend hopeful. On Monday, Friday's blood test results showed my numbers dropped to 11. Tuesday, I started bleeding and lost my 3rd baby. It is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". That is, a pregnancy that is only proven by biochemical means (blood hcg test or urine test). Some say that it's a pregnancy that is over before it even began. But it did begin. Something implanted in me and started to grow. Some people take a chemical in stride saying that something was wrong from the beginning and it's nature's way of fixing the problem. I see it as a year's worth of trying and heartbreak..all to lose another baby. I don't know how to deal with this loss...my faith that future pregnancies will be fine is lost. How can I ever be hopeful again?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is looming ahead and I don't know how I feel about it. Last year, I had been planning to tell my family about the pregnancy on Mother's Day (at least my in-laws), but of course didn't get the chance to do it. I couldn't help but remember how unfair it was that I wasn't able to celebrate it too. I've seen people who were pregnant at the time get a card for mother's day from daddy and the baby and I thought that would have been so sweet.
Now Mother's Day is coming around again, and I still have nothing to show for it. But then I think, why wouldn't I be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Just because I don't have any children living, I still have 2 angels that were supposed to be mine.. were supposed to have names, to have my eyes or daddy's smile... I love those angels just as much as I will love any children I might have down the road... so why can't mother's day be for all mothers... even those who have lost their children? My child was still born, just too early... doesn't it count too?
I do know there is an International Bereaved Mother's Day some time, but geez, how sad does that sound. Bereaved... But I want to celebrate my children too and why can't I? I'm guessing getting a Mother's Day card when not even having anything to show for it might seem a little odd... and I get it. But I do know that this mother's day is not going to be easy. It's going to remind me that I should have had a 5 month old with me, that I would be getting flowers and a card from daddy and baby, and that I would have joined the ranks of all those mothers out there who have kids. But it's not going to happen. Who wants to celebrate something that never was?

Angelversary

So I made it through my Angelversary this weekend. The weeks and days leading up to these days were pretty hard. I think I was anxious and upset a lot for a lot of unreasonable things. I even developed the muscle spasm in my left eye that I had last year from stress! But I made it.

What is an Angelversary? I only came across the term a few weeks ago. It is the anniversary of the passing of your angel. Mine started the night of April 28th and all through the 29th last year that I lost my pregnancy. Since I bled on an off throughout the 8 days that I knew I was pregnant, I count when I lost my angel on the day I bled the heaviest and was the most uncomfortable. That was a year ago yesterday.

Somehow I managed to make it through the day with my sanity intact, looking forward to the future. With all the dates that I had dreaded passed by now (I would have been ___ many weeks now, I was due this day, this is one year since we conceived, this is one year since I got my positive test...) I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I am optimistic for the future.

I think about both of my angels often and hope that someday I will actually get meet them. Until then, we continue to try to give them a brother or sister here on Earth.

The Big O

Well, as of a few days ago, it seems my body is still working correctly.. I ovulated (or "o'd"). I'm so relieved that after all of the fertility/birth control drugs I have used over the past months, that my body is still working! I'm hoping that the egg that released is one of the good ones left and that those boys can ask for directions and find their way to the right spot. In all reality, if it worked, I am pregnant right now. Weird to think about.

I'm still optimistic that we will be able to have a baby sometime in the near future, but I can't help but feel secretly hopeful that in the month that we found out we were pregnant one year ago, I would find out I am finally pregnant again.

So now the waiting begins again, the dreaded TWW (two week wait)... I plan to start testing April 12th or so. Whereas I know that the statistics are against us, I am still hopeful that when I do test, I will get two pink lines this time, instead of one.

Oh yeah, today is my birthday... big 33 today. Really thought I'd be a mommy by this age.

Hello Friends

Yep, posting twice in one day...I so far have kept my blog quiet not sure if I want to share it with people..but I'm thinking I'll go for it. I have really only told one person about everything we have done up to this point and as nerve wracking as it was, I felt momentary relief that I got it out to someone other than my poor husband.

But, I still have my reservations. Pros of sharing: I can finally talk about one of the most important things going in my life with the most important people in my life. So far I've shared my thoughts and hopes with complete strangers on Baby Center. Those girls have been with me from the very beginning and know everything and have been so supportive. Another pro: I won't have to repeat myself to anyone or have anyone give me that "poor you" look that I have been getting when asked if I'm pregnant yet and I say we're still trying.

Cons: people just don't talk about this stuff. People who have never gone through it don't know what to say or end of saying something really hurtful (please see RESOLVE link for etiquette in supporting friends or family going through infertility or pregnancy loss). Another con: well, it's kinda embarrassing/private/sometimes to much information/maybe didn't really want to know type of information. I get it... I'm sure Dad really doesn't want to read about me trying to make babies (sorry dad)... But there are so many misconceptions about people struggling to have a baby, that more people need to speak about what they have gone through.

So, friends, if you are reading this, don't be upset that I have not told you any of this. I'm not sorry, but I am relieved that you care enough to check in on me.

Pleasantly Surprised

The title of this post was going to be "I Don't Think My Ovaries Are Working"... This is due to me not having one single, not even close, positive ovulation test (opk). The one I took this morning with first morning pee, or FMU as we all call it, and it was very light indicating slight lh in the system. Well, tested again around 12:30 this afternoon, and lo and behold, it's close to positive!

Unmedicated, I normally ovulate around day 11 or 12 of my cycle, and as late as day 14. So today is day 15 and having been on the clomid and then the birth control last month, I don't know what to expect this cycle. So here I am, holding my pee, trying to make it to 4 hours of pee held to test again. I have three addictions: the Internet, iPad apps, and peeing on sticks... It's awful..

On another note, we're having a scare with Rosie today, she vomited a lot last night and has had diarrhea mixed with blood today. She's pretty down in the dumps, and with all of my Internet obsession, I've worked myself up into thinking she's gravely ill. So we're watching her today and thankfully the vomiting has stopped and she hasn't pooed since 2:15. Darn animals...