Mother's Day is looming ahead and I don't know how I feel about it. Last year, I had been planning to tell my family about the pregnancy on Mother's Day (at least my in-laws), but of course didn't get the chance to do it. I couldn't help but remember how unfair it was that I wasn't able to celebrate it too. I've seen people who were pregnant at the time get a card for mother's day from daddy and the baby and I thought that would have been so sweet.
Now Mother's Day is coming around again, and I still have nothing to show for it. But then I think, why wouldn't I be able to celebrate Mother's Day. Just because I don't have any children living, I still have 2 angels that were supposed to be mine.. were supposed to have names, to have my eyes or daddy's smile... I love those angels just as much as I will love any children I might have down the road... so why can't mother's day be for all mothers... even those who have lost their children? My child was still born, just too early... doesn't it count too?
I do know there is an International Bereaved Mother's Day some time, but geez, how sad does that sound. Bereaved... But I want to celebrate my children too and why can't I? I'm guessing getting a Mother's Day card when not even having anything to show for it might seem a little odd... and I get it. But I do know that this mother's day is not going to be easy. It's going to remind me that I should have had a 5 month old with me, that I would be getting flowers and a card from daddy and baby, and that I would have joined the ranks of all those mothers out there who have kids. But it's not going to happen. Who wants to celebrate something that never was?
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Angelversary
So I made it through my Angelversary this weekend. The weeks and days leading up to these days were pretty hard. I think I was anxious and upset a lot for a lot of unreasonable things. I even developed the muscle spasm in my left eye that I had last year from stress! But I made it.
What is an Angelversary? I only came across the term a few weeks ago. It is the anniversary of the passing of your angel. Mine started the night of April 28th and all through the 29th last year that I lost my pregnancy. Since I bled on an off throughout the 8 days that I knew I was pregnant, I count when I lost my angel on the day I bled the heaviest and was the most uncomfortable. That was a year ago yesterday.
Somehow I managed to make it through the day with my sanity intact, looking forward to the future. With all the dates that I had dreaded passed by now (I would have been ___ many weeks now, I was due this day, this is one year since we conceived, this is one year since I got my positive test...) I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I am optimistic for the future.
I think about both of my angels often and hope that someday I will actually get meet them. Until then, we continue to try to give them a brother or sister here on Earth.
What is an Angelversary? I only came across the term a few weeks ago. It is the anniversary of the passing of your angel. Mine started the night of April 28th and all through the 29th last year that I lost my pregnancy. Since I bled on an off throughout the 8 days that I knew I was pregnant, I count when I lost my angel on the day I bled the heaviest and was the most uncomfortable. That was a year ago yesterday.
Somehow I managed to make it through the day with my sanity intact, looking forward to the future. With all the dates that I had dreaded passed by now (I would have been ___ many weeks now, I was due this day, this is one year since we conceived, this is one year since I got my positive test...) I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I am optimistic for the future.
I think about both of my angels often and hope that someday I will actually get meet them. Until then, we continue to try to give them a brother or sister here on Earth.
Friday, April 6, 2012
The Big O
Well, as of a few days ago, it seems my body is still working correctly.. I ovulated (or "o'd"). I'm so relieved that after all of the fertility/birth control drugs I have used over the past months, that my body is still working! I'm hoping that the egg that released is one of the good ones left and that those boys can ask for directions and find their way to the right spot. In all reality, if it worked, I am pregnant right now. Weird to think about.
I'm still optimistic that we will be able to have a baby sometime in the near future, but I can't help but feel secretly hopeful that in the month that we found out we were pregnant one year ago, I would find out I am finally pregnant again.
So now the waiting begins again, the dreaded TWW (two week wait)... I plan to start testing April 12th or so. Whereas I know that the statistics are against us, I am still hopeful that when I do test, I will get two pink lines this time, instead of one.
Oh yeah, today is my birthday... big 33 today. Really thought I'd be a mommy by this age.
I'm still optimistic that we will be able to have a baby sometime in the near future, but I can't help but feel secretly hopeful that in the month that we found out we were pregnant one year ago, I would find out I am finally pregnant again.
So now the waiting begins again, the dreaded TWW (two week wait)... I plan to start testing April 12th or so. Whereas I know that the statistics are against us, I am still hopeful that when I do test, I will get two pink lines this time, instead of one.
Oh yeah, today is my birthday... big 33 today. Really thought I'd be a mommy by this age.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Hello Friends
Yep, posting twice in one day...I so far have kept my blog quiet not sure if I want to share it with people..but I'm thinking I'll go for it. I have really only told one person about everything we have done up to this point and as nerve wracking as it was, I felt momentary relief that I got it out to someone other than my poor husband.
But, I still have my reservations. Pros of sharing: I can finally talk about one of the most important things going in my life with the most important people in my life. So far I've shared my thoughts and hopes with complete strangers on Baby Center. Those girls have been with me from the very beginning and know everything and have been so supportive. Another pro: I won't have to repeat myself to anyone or have anyone give me that "poor you" look that I have been getting when asked if I'm pregnant yet and I say we're still trying.
Cons: people just don't talk about this stuff. People who have never gone through it don't know what to say or end of saying something really hurtful (please see RESOLVE link for etiquette in supporting friends or family going through infertility or pregnancy loss). Another con: well, it's kinda embarrassing/private/sometimes to much information/maybe didn't really want to know type of information. I get it... I'm sure Dad really doesn't want to read about me trying to make babies (sorry dad)... But there are so many misconceptions about people struggling to have a baby, that more people need to speak about what they have gone through.
So, friends, if you are reading this, don't be upset that I have not told you any of this. I'm not sorry, but I am relieved that you care enough to check in on me.
But, I still have my reservations. Pros of sharing: I can finally talk about one of the most important things going in my life with the most important people in my life. So far I've shared my thoughts and hopes with complete strangers on Baby Center. Those girls have been with me from the very beginning and know everything and have been so supportive. Another pro: I won't have to repeat myself to anyone or have anyone give me that "poor you" look that I have been getting when asked if I'm pregnant yet and I say we're still trying.
Cons: people just don't talk about this stuff. People who have never gone through it don't know what to say or end of saying something really hurtful (please see RESOLVE link for etiquette in supporting friends or family going through infertility or pregnancy loss). Another con: well, it's kinda embarrassing/private/sometimes to much information/maybe didn't really want to know type of information. I get it... I'm sure Dad really doesn't want to read about me trying to make babies (sorry dad)... But there are so many misconceptions about people struggling to have a baby, that more people need to speak about what they have gone through.
So, friends, if you are reading this, don't be upset that I have not told you any of this. I'm not sorry, but I am relieved that you care enough to check in on me.
Pleasantly Surprised
The title of this post was going to be "I Don't Think My Ovaries Are Working"... This is due to me not having one single, not even close, positive ovulation test (opk). The one I took this morning with first morning pee, or FMU as we all call it, and it was very light indicating slight lh in the system. Well, tested again around 12:30 this afternoon, and lo and behold, it's close to positive!
Unmedicated, I normally ovulate around day 11 or 12 of my cycle, and as late as day 14. So today is day 15 and having been on the clomid and then the birth control last month, I don't know what to expect this cycle. So here I am, holding my pee, trying to make it to 4 hours of pee held to test again. I have three addictions: the Internet, iPad apps, and peeing on sticks... It's awful..
On another note, we're having a scare with Rosie today, she vomited a lot last night and has had diarrhea mixed with blood today. She's pretty down in the dumps, and with all of my Internet obsession, I've worked myself up into thinking she's gravely ill. So we're watching her today and thankfully the vomiting has stopped and she hasn't pooed since 2:15. Darn animals...
Unmedicated, I normally ovulate around day 11 or 12 of my cycle, and as late as day 14. So today is day 15 and having been on the clomid and then the birth control last month, I don't know what to expect this cycle. So here I am, holding my pee, trying to make it to 4 hours of pee held to test again. I have three addictions: the Internet, iPad apps, and peeing on sticks... It's awful..
On another note, we're having a scare with Rosie today, she vomited a lot last night and has had diarrhea mixed with blood today. She's pretty down in the dumps, and with all of my Internet obsession, I've worked myself up into thinking she's gravely ill. So we're watching her today and thankfully the vomiting has stopped and she hasn't pooed since 2:15. Darn animals...
Saturday, March 31, 2012
cat + dog=crazy
So our morning (and evening) routine is a bit hectic with having two high-needs animals and it almost feels like it would be getting ready for a baby (minus waking up multiple times in the night)... In the morning, it is a juggling act of rotating the animals in the house so that they don't go after each other. Rosie goes first outside, then we bring her in and I have to get Bob's food ready so that he can get his insulin injection. And because I feel so guilty about leaving him in the basement so long, I sit down there with him for awhile.
Then it's back up to where Rosie wants to play and Richard (our nickname, if you will, for Bob) is meowing at the basement door. And all I want is my coffee and a little time on the internet! So by the time everyone is fed, injected and pottied, it's off to work a little later than I had planned where I then get to spend the day with 17 high needs kids!
Routine repeats itself at night where Richard gets his injection, Rosie goes outside and then we have to lure her into her room for the evening. She is really catching on, she knows that after the night potty break, she comes in and gets a treat. Rosie keeps me honest... I haven't had this much physical activity in a long time and it feels really good to get out and walk her or play "fetch-the-ball-then-chase-after-me". I can only assume that those good endorphins are helping to relieve the stress of this whole journey to motherhood that I have been on for entirely too long.
Writing this doesn't make it seem so bad, but for some reason it feels a little crazy sometimes! I love having Rosie in our family (she's official as of yesterday when I got her dog tags) but I'm wondering how crazy it's going to be when we actually have a baby to add to it all! It is a challenge that I will wholeheartedly accept...with a little groaning along the way, I'm sure..
Then it's back up to where Rosie wants to play and Richard (our nickname, if you will, for Bob) is meowing at the basement door. And all I want is my coffee and a little time on the internet! So by the time everyone is fed, injected and pottied, it's off to work a little later than I had planned where I then get to spend the day with 17 high needs kids!
Routine repeats itself at night where Richard gets his injection, Rosie goes outside and then we have to lure her into her room for the evening. She is really catching on, she knows that after the night potty break, she comes in and gets a treat. Rosie keeps me honest... I haven't had this much physical activity in a long time and it feels really good to get out and walk her or play "fetch-the-ball-then-chase-after-me". I can only assume that those good endorphins are helping to relieve the stress of this whole journey to motherhood that I have been on for entirely too long.
Writing this doesn't make it seem so bad, but for some reason it feels a little crazy sometimes! I love having Rosie in our family (she's official as of yesterday when I got her dog tags) but I'm wondering how crazy it's going to be when we actually have a baby to add to it all! It is a challenge that I will wholeheartedly accept...with a little groaning along the way, I'm sure..
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Journey Still Continues
Still here, still waiting, still wondering why we haven't been able to announce wonderful news of a pregnancy in the works. By now, my friends who were pregnant as of my last post have all had their babies. Wonderful beautiful children who are so fortunate to have such wonderful parents. But I still remain the 1 in 4.
In October, I went back to my ob/gyn for my annual check up and she recommended the Clomid route again. I had tried two unsuccessful months of it and did not see great results (not to mention the side effects) so I was hesitant to try again. She convinced me. So for the next month I tried 100mg of Clomid, then the next two months 150mg (pretty much the highest dose anyone wants to try). I did get something out of all those rounds of Clomid... 3 large cysts... two the size of ping pong balls.
Let me back up a bit. In December, I finally had it and on a quick decision, I decided to contact a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We had been trying for 9 cycles after our miscarriage to conceive again and frankly, I was done trying alone. Stu unfortunately had to come home to the announcement that I had an appointment the following Thursday... talk about quick.
So my RE discussed our tries at having a baby, my previous miscarriages, and all other things baby-making related. She said two things she noticed about me: 1. It takes me a long time to get pregnant and 2. I'm not able to keep the babies when I do get pregnant. Well duh, that's why I was there right?! She said that she wanted to do all the blood work and whole work up to figure out any underlying conditions that I might have and took me in for an ultrasound.
At that point, I was right in the middle of the Clomid cycle and had 4-5 follicles ready to go. Of course, we didn't get pregnant. Five targets... amazing how it missed. She also found that my lining was thin.. not good.
After that cycle, I went in for the blood work. Results? Low AMH (good= above 2, mine 1.2), higher FSH (good = below 10, mine 11.6) and of course.. the ping-pong cysts. Next step? Uh... birth control?
That was fun...
Cysts have shrunk and the plan was to go ahead with Femara (or Letrozole-another type of ovulation stimulating drug) combined with an HCG trigger shot to release the eggs and IUI (intrauterine insemination, a.k.a "turkey baster method". I found myself dragging my feet. Should I really disrupt my body yet again with drugs? How do I know the drugs didn't actually mess up my AMH and FSH? So many questions. We (yes Stu and I) decided that it was better to wait and try naturally again for awhile, at least until after our June vacation.
So it is settled. I have begun taking some supplements that my wonderful friend and clinical nutritionist recommended for me to get things more balanced. I remain hopeful...as ever...
In October, I went back to my ob/gyn for my annual check up and she recommended the Clomid route again. I had tried two unsuccessful months of it and did not see great results (not to mention the side effects) so I was hesitant to try again. She convinced me. So for the next month I tried 100mg of Clomid, then the next two months 150mg (pretty much the highest dose anyone wants to try). I did get something out of all those rounds of Clomid... 3 large cysts... two the size of ping pong balls.
Let me back up a bit. In December, I finally had it and on a quick decision, I decided to contact a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We had been trying for 9 cycles after our miscarriage to conceive again and frankly, I was done trying alone. Stu unfortunately had to come home to the announcement that I had an appointment the following Thursday... talk about quick.
So my RE discussed our tries at having a baby, my previous miscarriages, and all other things baby-making related. She said two things she noticed about me: 1. It takes me a long time to get pregnant and 2. I'm not able to keep the babies when I do get pregnant. Well duh, that's why I was there right?! She said that she wanted to do all the blood work and whole work up to figure out any underlying conditions that I might have and took me in for an ultrasound.
At that point, I was right in the middle of the Clomid cycle and had 4-5 follicles ready to go. Of course, we didn't get pregnant. Five targets... amazing how it missed. She also found that my lining was thin.. not good.
After that cycle, I went in for the blood work. Results? Low AMH (good= above 2, mine 1.2), higher FSH (good = below 10, mine 11.6) and of course.. the ping-pong cysts. Next step? Uh... birth control?
That was fun...
Cysts have shrunk and the plan was to go ahead with Femara (or Letrozole-another type of ovulation stimulating drug) combined with an HCG trigger shot to release the eggs and IUI (intrauterine insemination, a.k.a "turkey baster method". I found myself dragging my feet. Should I really disrupt my body yet again with drugs? How do I know the drugs didn't actually mess up my AMH and FSH? So many questions. We (yes Stu and I) decided that it was better to wait and try naturally again for awhile, at least until after our June vacation.
So it is settled. I have begun taking some supplements that my wonderful friend and clinical nutritionist recommended for me to get things more balanced. I remain hopeful...as ever...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)