Our last cycle I had two great follicles on my tube side and paired it with and IUI. Stu's numbers came back better than the first time and we had so much hope. Consequently, I had to test on what should have been my due date and still ended with a negative pregnancy test. In those moments, I knew that I could not possibly keep doing this month after month.
In the IUI process, we decided to get another aspect of Stu's swimmers analyzed and the news has been less than optimal for us. We found that even though his counts were ok, his morphology came back at only 7%. Which means 93% of the swimmers in that sample were malformed in some way. Normal morphology ranges should be between over 15% normally shaped sperm.
We know that this is just one sample and one test and that each month those values can change. We would have to have another sample taken to confirm low morphology issues to be sure. But as it is, with my lack of being able to get pregnant quickly, we know we are dealing with an additional male factor issue.
So, when we look at the odds of us getting pregnant and keeping the pregnancy on our own, our odds are very low. Chances are I have problems with implantation, and he has sperm that are abnormal which could very well be causing the miscarriages as well. We won't know for sure.
So when the doctors are telling us that our best chances are in fact IVF with ICSI, we have to take that as the truth now. The hardest part is coming to terms with letting go of the hope that we can do it on our own.
I just want to scream when people say "well you never know, don't give up hope!". But I DO know! I have been hoping for 3 years for just that very thought! I have to let go of hope in order to move on with my life.
Could it happen? I guess, sure. But if I keep living my life two weeks at a time, what will that give me? Only heartache each and every month.
So we are done. We did not try this month at all and I am finding it harder than I thought I would to deal with my giving up. I feel anxious that I could have wasted a perfectly good chance. But then I remind myself of all the other perfectly good chances we had this year that didn't yield even the faintest of pink lines and I feel only slightly better. But the thoughts creep back in... The what-ifs.
If you are a friend reading this, please don't tell me to lose hope... my hope is already lost. Please don't tell me to not give up on my dream of being a mommy... I don't dream about babies anymore. I have to give up my hope in order to live my life. If things work out that we can somehow do IVF next summer, then that is what I have to look forward to. In the meantime, I have to come to terms with the possibility of never getting to become the mother I so desperately want to be while I watch those around me living my dream.
